Last night (2/13) at 10 PM, MTV kicked off a seven week movie series, affectionately referred to as “Home is Where the Horror Is,” with the dreadful Paris Hilton vehicle House of Wax. Although kicking off with a terrible remake starring a chlamydia-infested socialite who got famous for being a chlamydia-infested socialite, four of the seven movies on the list are actually movies I would consider taking time out of my day to watch.

The schedule is as follows.

13-Feb   HOUSE OF WAX

20-Feb   THE AMITYVILLE HORROR

27-Feb   LAND OF THE DEAD

6-Mar   THE HILLS HAVE EYES

13-Mar  SLITHER

20-Mar  DEEP BLUE SEA

26-Mar  HOUSE OF THE DEVIL

Working under the presumption that the first two and fourth film are the remakes, the inclusion of Land of the Dead, Slither, Deep Blue Sea, and especially House of the Devil actually make me grin a shifty grin of amusement. I would have expected films like Prom Night, or Sorority Row, to appeal to the base demographic of the channel. Which is fine. They have a job to do and appealing to dyed-in-the-wool horror fans is probably not on their list of things to do. But they threw me for a loop, throwing in a mix of gory remakes, cheesy zombie flicks, comedies, pseudo-cult classics, and a new and incredibly well-received bonafide horror film.

Whether or not the films will be edited to appease the parents of MTV’s core demographic is anyone’s case, though one can easily be led to believe they won’t be, as this promo demonstrates. It features scenes from House of Wax, they’re graphic, and it opens with Paris Hilton gettin’ all stabbed and shit.

Someone at MTV has the right idea. Kudos. Tune in, especially if you haven’t seen House of the Devil. I wasn’t too fond of it, but no self-respecting horror fan should go without seeing it.

MTV, if you’re listening, here are some recommendations for your next horror installment, should you choose to do so. Whether or not you can acquire the rights to air any of these films is none of my concern. Just do it. For the fans. And for me. ‘Cause I asked politely. Kinda.

The Burrowers (review)
Session 9 (review)
[REC]
Pontypool

Just a thought.

I have not seen the first three films by Alexandre Aja, though I suspect most have not. His magnum opus might be considered Haute Tension had the script not degraded into a cheap M. Night Shayamalan rip-off, rendering the first half of the movie completely implausible and utterly stupid. Though this made the film absolutely unbearable, it was not without its upsides. The soundtrack, cinematography, and methods of dispatch, if you will, were absolutely brilliant, so I don’t think I’d be completely off base in saying that this was just a fluke and hoped for good things to come from him in the future.

His next film was a remake of the Craven borefest The Hills Have Eyes, which was overtly graphic for the sake of being graphic while being just as boring as the original. This says nothing of its originality, of which there is almost none, falling into an inescapable vortex of cheap horror cliches. The final twenty minutes are ridiculously predictable, and I left the theater wondering what the fuck I just watched.

His next film as a writer was P2, which I never saw. This is a good thing, as it doesn’t seem to be anything more than your run-of-the-mill Hollywood suspense-thriller. After that comes this year’s South Korean remake, Mirrors, doomed to fail because it’s a remake of an Asian horror film. Just because The Ring was successful does not give every fucking big-name horror director carte blanche to adapt every Asian horror film into a shitty one-off American adaptation. The Grudge sucked, Dark Water sucked,and Pulse definitely sucked, so what makes you think this won’t suck? ‘Cause Jack Bauer is in it?

Alexandre Aja is lucky in that he made one successful horror film (albeit a shitty successful horror film). Instead, however, of making more successful horror films that are actually good, he’s selling out by making cheap remakes of classics that also suck, remakes of Asian horror films that are rarely good, and really, really, really, really, really, really shitty retarded suspense-thrillers. His next movie is Piranha 3-D. Here’s hoping it’s a comedy.

Mr. Aja, please stop making shitty horror films. The French are dominating the genre, and you’re sticking out like a black man at a Klan rally. Have some God damned dignity and make something truly inspiring to horror fans everywhere. You’ve exhibited a slow and steady decline, so…well, so I guess you’re like most horror directors. Heh. No one can ever top their first.

Fun note: Aja holds membership in the Splat Pack, “a collection of filmmakers who, since 2002, have brought about a renaissance of horror film.” Of those on the list, the only who is worth a damn is Neil Marshall, ’cause, well, Dog Soldiers and The Descent fucking ruled.