As the year – and decade – comes to a close, we must take the time to reflect on the films that in some way made this year not AS horrible for horror as it might seem. While ten is a nice round number, I was unable to come up with ten films that I truly loved and could, without regret, name the best of the year. In between the many theatrical stinkers and the disappointing indies, I managed to come up with nine, count ‘em NINE films that didn’t make me want to vomit. So without further adieu…

The Top 10 9 Horror Films of 2009

9. Zombieland I’m hesitant to include this on the list, as I don’t really feel it’s a horror movie, but a comedy with horror elements. It was also one of the funniest movies to come out all year, and it includes zombies, so it’s worthy of distinction. While most horror comedies tend to start off strong and then stray into serious territory, Zombieland managed to remain consistent, injecting plenty of humor throughout, even during the sentimental moments. I was grateful enough to catch a premiere screening at Fantastic Fest in Austin back in September, and hearing Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, and the hot chick from Superbad talk about their experience on the film and answer questions from the fans made me appreciate their performances that much more.  As soon as I’m no longer poor, the DVD will grace my shelf. So, you know, buy it for me.

8. Orphan I’m clearly in the minority among most of my friends, but I loved Orphan. It was creepy, suspenseful, and featured the adorable Arianna Engineer as Vera Farmiga’s youngest daughter. Isabelle Fuhrman played the titular character perfectly and was intensely creepy throughout, especially during the big twist ending. From my review, because I’m way too lazy to think of something new to type up: The fear didn’t come from fleeting scares like or a hackneyed score, but from pure, unbridled, nervous tension, an aspect lost on most contemporary thrillers.

7. Doghouse This film was unknown to me until I went to Fantastic Fest, where it screened twice with writer/director Jake West in attendance. Not only is he one of the nicest people I have ever met (he gave me boxing lessons before I got my ass beat by a black lesbian), but he made a fantastic horror comedy. Described in my review as “one of the most fun and engaging experiences you can have in a movie theater this year,” it seamlessly blended humor and horror, featured stellar zombie effects, and gave us another great UK flick with Danny Dyer. Whether or not this film will get a decent release is beyond me, but here’s hoping it gets a US DVD release soon (it was made available on October 9th in the UK).

6. Last House on the Left I hated the original Wes Craven classic. While indeed shocking, it was boring, drawn out, and featured the worst possible choices in music I have ever seen in a horror film. Taking this into account, and the fact that it’s a remake, I did not have high hopes for this one. Surprisingly, I found this redux to be incredibly brutal, with all the cheesiness that plagued the original stripped out in favor of all the tension and terror you would come to expect in a film about two girls viciously beaten and raped. Save for a slightly ridiculous yet delightfully bloody ending, it managed to restore my faith, however minor, in the state of horror remakes today. The very fact that a remake made this list surprised the shit out of me, but stranger things have happened.

5. Trick ‘r Treat I want to admit something to you: when I first saw Trick ‘r Treat at Fantastic Fest, I knew nothing about it. Given it’s title, I assumed it to be a slasher flick in the vein of Black Christmas or April Fool’s Day, and as a result was expecting the worst. Because of this, throughout a good portion of the movie I was REALLY FUCKING CONFUSED. Yes, it looks pretty, but what’s with the disjointed plot. Then it dawned on me that it was an anthology and I felt like an idiot. Once all the pieces fell into place, I realized how utterly original and brilliant the film was. The film had an even greater impact on me when writer/director Michael Dougherty spoke to the audience and revealed why he made the film. “True” Halloween movies are few and far between, but Dougherty got down to the nitty gritty and crafted an exceptional film, and one that will hopefully make the sack-headed “Sam” a new holiday icon.

4. Carriers This “under-the-radar” post-apocalyptic thriller probably had “zombie” written all over it, but looks can be deceiving. There was nary a zombie in the film, and while the film basically got fucked in terms of a release, it has managed to receive a bit a buzz, ensuring a solid return on DVD (at least among horror films). It managed to take the tired and often overbearing concept of a “group of people trying to survive….something” and make it into a solid, bleak and downright disturbing thriller. Word even has it that a limited edition German box set will be available sometime early next year, so keep your eyes open for that.

3. [REC]2 Everyone liked the first installment in this off-the-fucking-chain cinema verite powerhouse from Spain. I have a feeling that once the majority of people see [REC]2, they’ll be clamoring for a third one. I described it as “the best first person shooter I’ve ever seen,” as the impressive use of Heads Up Displays and picture-in-picture managed to make the film not only believable, but fucking exciting as all holy hell. You’re eventually treated to one hell of an ending that rivals the first in terms of fear and intensity. If you have the chance, be it through a screening or getting your hands on a copy of the DVD, see this movie.

2. Paranormal Activity Holy shit, this isn’t number one? You’d think with how much I touted this film as one of the best horror films of the decade that it would earn the number one spot. Paranormal Activity is still a phenomenal film, and manages to utilize cinema verite in a way that’s believable and non-vomit inducing, all while actually providing a heaping dose of fear. It proves that you don’t need a huge budget to make a great and terrifying horror film, just a an idea, some actors and a camera. In fact, Paranormal Activity spawned a horror movie of my own, which I working on with a fellow horror blogger. Here’s hoping Oren Peli can emulate the success of this film with Area 51.

…and the best horror film of the year is…

1. Pontypool Yes. Pontypool. This movie is one of the most original and highly engrossing horror films I have ever seen. The casting is perfect, with Stephen McHattie giving an outstanding performance as an opinionated on-air personality who starts reporting on a dangerous outbreak of bizarre behavior that is seemingly transmitted via speech. One of the things I absolutely love about the film is its dialogue: rapid-fire delivery that doesn’t miss a beat and manages to engross the viewer every step of the way. Unfortunately, the film will not be released for purchase until January of 2010, so I have about another month before I can get my hand on this wonderful piece of Canadian cinema.

The WORST Horror Movies of 2009

7. Antichrist I give props to Lars von Trier for crafting one of the most beautiful opening sequences of any film I have ever seen, but that does little to save the self-serving hour and a half that followed. I have no problem with genital mutilation per se, but its overuse was a major factor in my distaste for the film. It was made for von Trier and no one else, and despite the popularity of “Chaos Reigns” (I will admit that was a cool scene), Antichrist was nothing more than pompous bloviation.

6. The Haunting in Connecticut, or How to Overpopulate a Movie with Jump Scares. Also, why the fuck does Elias Koteas keep getting work? This movie was a major bore from start to finish, and I’m not ashamed to admit I was fooled by the trailer. What I hoped to be a taut psychological thriller ended up being mired in convention and featured a lackluster ending that did little to shock or even entertain.

5. The Uninvited Clearly A Tale of Two Sisters was better, but The Uninvited had the added bonus of featuring horrible acting, a hackneyed score and everything that made the original worth a damn. I was the only one in the theater when I went to see it. It had been out for about three days when I did. The only reason I didn’t leave the theater is because I paid for it, and it gave me a chance to pick my nose, an event that was far more entertaining than anything this movie promised. It was too bright and cheery for its subject matter, and who in their right mind thought Elizabeth Banks would be a good casting choice for a horror movie?

4. Grace I hate doing this because Grace this was one of my most anticipated horror films of the year, but Paul Solet’s undead-baby-thirsting-for-blood story of questionable parenting failed something fierce. It was fiercely misogynistic, and while it possessed the potential to be a solid thriller, it managed to get wrapped up in horrible cliches. Despite it, it was beautifully shot and featured great sound editing, but beyond that it was a wash.

3. Drag Me to Hell It’s 90+% rating on Rotten Tomatoes notwithstanding, it took a second viewing of this film to make realize just utterly retarded it really is. Too slapstick to be horror and too many moments of uninspired intensity to comedy, Sam Raimi’s “return to horror” is anything but. The story is weak and predictable, and Allison Lohman makes Paris Hilton look like an Oscar winner.

2. Jennifer’s Body How the fuck did Diablo Cody get so lucky? Juno irritated me because of the dialogue, but given the subject matter it had a quirky folksiness to it. This was just an unbelievable embarrassment. I’ll just let a quote from my review sum up why I hated it so much: This woman has absolutely no grasp on reality, convinced all teenagers live in their own self-involved world and communicating through a made up language indecipherable to anyone with a fully developed brain or lacking the latest book of Cody-speak. Every single line is peppered with faux-teenage slang, itself an affront to teenagers existing on this plane of existence, and spouted out by wooden characters.

…and the worst horror movie of the year is….

1. The Unborn Stick with Batman, David Goyer. Horrible acting, stock characters and a horribly convoluted and ridiculous story resulted in one of the worst movie-going experiences of the year. It was an utter train wreck from start to finish, and it should have never been made. The only saving grace was Odette Yustman’s ass and the guy who played Raiden in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. And he was barely in it.

I have not seen the first three films by Alexandre Aja, though I suspect most have not. His magnum opus might be considered Haute Tension had the script not degraded into a cheap M. Night Shayamalan rip-off, rendering the first half of the movie completely implausible and utterly stupid. Though this made the film absolutely unbearable, it was not without its upsides. The soundtrack, cinematography, and methods of dispatch, if you will, were absolutely brilliant, so I don’t think I’d be completely off base in saying that this was just a fluke and hoped for good things to come from him in the future.

His next film was a remake of the Craven borefest The Hills Have Eyes, which was overtly graphic for the sake of being graphic while being just as boring as the original. This says nothing of its originality, of which there is almost none, falling into an inescapable vortex of cheap horror cliches. The final twenty minutes are ridiculously predictable, and I left the theater wondering what the fuck I just watched.

His next film as a writer was P2, which I never saw. This is a good thing, as it doesn’t seem to be anything more than your run-of-the-mill Hollywood suspense-thriller. After that comes this year’s South Korean remake, Mirrors, doomed to fail because it’s a remake of an Asian horror film. Just because The Ring was successful does not give every fucking big-name horror director carte blanche to adapt every Asian horror film into a shitty one-off American adaptation. The Grudge sucked, Dark Water sucked,and Pulse definitely sucked, so what makes you think this won’t suck? ‘Cause Jack Bauer is in it?

Alexandre Aja is lucky in that he made one successful horror film (albeit a shitty successful horror film). Instead, however, of making more successful horror films that are actually good, he’s selling out by making cheap remakes of classics that also suck, remakes of Asian horror films that are rarely good, and really, really, really, really, really, really shitty retarded suspense-thrillers. His next movie is Piranha 3-D. Here’s hoping it’s a comedy.

Mr. Aja, please stop making shitty horror films. The French are dominating the genre, and you’re sticking out like a black man at a Klan rally. Have some God damned dignity and make something truly inspiring to horror fans everywhere. You’ve exhibited a slow and steady decline, so…well, so I guess you’re like most horror directors. Heh. No one can ever top their first.

Fun note: Aja holds membership in the Splat Pack, “a collection of filmmakers who, since 2002, have brought about a renaissance of horror film.” Of those on the list, the only who is worth a damn is Neil Marshall, ’cause, well, Dog Soldiers and The Descent fucking ruled.