A few months back my friends Dan of Castle Vardulon and Rachel of Zombots!!! decided to hold a little drinking game set to Twilight. In the end I learned I have a horrible speaking voice, Rachel laughs at everything I say, and Dan is probably ashamed to know me.

Ignore the holiday and timely references, for I have been incredibly lazy and only slightly afraid of having people hear my shrill voice quickly degrade into incoherent and offensive ramblings, which I blame on the alcohol. Really, I’m only funny in print. The real stars of this show are Dan, Rachel, and the awkward feelings my inappropriate and poorly timed comments elicit throughout. The first few minutes are introduction, as well as timing cues, a rundown of the rules, and other unnecessary jibber jabber, but some of it is pretty funny and worth a listen.

The rules are as follows:

Take a sip…

-Whenever Edward or Bella attempts to express an emotion
-Whenever they use slo-mo
-Whenever a scary musical sting tries to shock us
-Whenever you see a male vampire shirtless
-Whenever Bella does something clumsy
-Whenever someone says the word “vampire”
-Whenever someone compliments Bella or the vampire family, take a sip
-Whenever vampires have a reflection

Finish your drink…

-Whenever a vampire sparkles in the sunlight

Go easy. My bottle of wine was gone by the halfway point, and I Love Horror, Castle Vardulon, and Zombots!!! accept no responsibility for your inability to handle your liquor, you fucking newbs. Now crack open the booze and enjoy the festivities. Thanks to Comixed.com for the image.

Now in list format!

1. If you have not been to Castle Vardulon, I suggest you drop what you’re doing right now and make way to this little corner of the internet post haste! The one and only Count Vardulon is a rare treat in that not only does he cover horror movies and literature, he also writes incredibly long yet hysterical reviews of episodes of popular TV shows such as CSI: Miami and Criminal Minds. Thrown into the mix are his hilarious Saturday Night RapeWatch columns and the weekly AVOD, the internet’s only audio-only video podcast. Run in tandem with the lovely Dive Mistress, herself a shining beacon on the horror blogging community, the AVOD is a hilarious podcast no horror fan should go without. This past week they invited me as a special guest to discuss my time spent at Fantastic Fest. I won’t post it here, but you should definitely go HERE and check it out for yourself.

2. Head on over to Horror Squad, where we’re unveiling the 31 Fates Worse Than Death and other wonderful things.

3. I received a bunch of new comics in the mail, so God willing I’ll be throwin’ some reviews of them within the next week or so. Life always seems to get in the way of what I want to do.

4. Here’s a picture. Enjoy.

The bloody home invasion flick Inside is not for everyone. Pregnant woman probably won’t like it, and rightly so. But among the horror community, it is adored and often cited as a main reason as to why French horror is superior to American horror.

Except this guy. I met him through his review, which featured the word fuck or its variations an astonishing 229 times, and decided to rebut. He counterpointed. I counterpointed his counterpoint. Fast forward months later. In between sporadic communication, I decided he’d be the ideal candidate with which to engage in intellectual debate over the film. Surprisingly, “fuck” was uttered only once or twice. By me. Naturally.

Vardulon knows his shit. So pop in the flick, crack open a beer and hit play.

I like arguing. I’m contentious by nature and therefore felt that an audio debate over a film I love/hate with someone who feels the exact opposite as I do. A few weeks ago I watched the classic Romero vision of terror Dawn of the Dead for the second time and realized I still thought it was, as a whole, a pretty terrible film.

Enter Brian Solomon of The Vault of Horror. He loves Dawn of the Dead to the point where I wouldn’t be surprised if he owned bedsheets featuring the box art. Naturally, he would be the perfect individual with which to wax nerd poetic over static-y and lackluster technology.

A few notes before you listen, if you choose to do: Load up the movie before watching it. Obviously. Ignore my annoying, whiny and shrill voice. My internet cut out 25 minutes in, so I did my best to mix them properly. Brian was watching the Director’s Cut and I was watching the theatrical cut, so a few times throughout we had to re-sync our positions.

So without further adieu: two nerds bitching about Dawn of the Dead. Think of it as one part commentary, one part debate, ALL PARTS AWESOME!