Sadly, this film is not a documentary detailing the unfortunate demise of a vapid whore who cries when her daddy doesn’t get her the right car for her birthday, but instead an original made-for-MTV horror flick airing this Friday at 10 PM.

To get straight to the point, I do not think this movie will be very good, but I do admire MTV for both abandoning their normal tripe and producing a horror film, the caliber of which is far beyond anything bullshit remake that has recently come out (read: anything by J.S. Cardone). The film is (obviously) a send up of that insipid My Super Sweet 16 show, which if the trailer is indication looks to be genuinely bloody and, dare I say, a damn good time. Plus, it’s directed by Jacob Gentry, who directed the second “transmission” of the beyond stellar thriller The Signal, so with luck the humor will be bloody dark and hilarious. Also, ignore the fact that it was written by two individuals whose writing credits are ironically mostly reality shows.

Bonus: the film stars Juliana Guill, who is banging hot and totally got naked in the Friday the 13th redux by Platinum Dunes.

Brad Anderson directs Peter Mullan on the set of Session 9

I consider Brad Anderson to be one of the finest working filmmakers in horror today. No one has a better grasp on how to truly convey fear, terror and emotion than he does, evident in his three horror/thriller features, Session 9, The Machinist and Transsiberian. His next feature is called The Vanishing on 7th Street, and while I’m deleriously excited for it, I am slightly worried, due primarily to the casting of Hayden Christensen as anything other than a stunt double.

I may be jumping the gun here. Anderson did make David Caruso tolerable in Session 9, a feat akin to convincing a birther Obama was born in the US, so there’s no reason to believe he can’t do the same with Anakin Skywalker. The presence of Leguizamo doesn’t bother me, as he can actually act when the script calls for it (he deserved a fucking Oscar for his role as Toulouse-Lautrec in Moulin Rouge!), and Thandie Newton is ismply Thandie Newton.

The synopsis of the film, as per that bastion of horror journalism Bloody-Disgusting, is as follows:

In an instant, Mankind disappears and in a matter of hours four remaining survivors are drawn together to try to figure a way out of the apparent apocalypse happening around them.

Although not written by Anderson, this sort of film lends itself to his particular area of expertise: conveying fear through human emotion and fragility of human nature. To think this won’t be anything short of remarkable is to cast doubt in the wake of a man whose career has been nothing short of remarkable.

But I’ve been wrong before. The Vanishing on 7th Street begins production on October 12th in Detroit, a suitable place to film the end of the world.

Most everyone in tune with horror, especially those with a predilection for consuming horror-themed literature have heard of or read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a mash-up of Jane Austen’s classic novel and, well, zombies. Despite its relative popularity it has received mixed reviews, with some citing the prevalence of Jane Austen over the inherent zombie whackiness most people have come to expect. One thing can’t be denied: this shit is spreading like wildfire.

Other horror-themed mash-ups include Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, proving Jane Austen is only tolerable when it contains otherworldly creatures or cryptids; The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim, which appears to tackle the concept of slavery; and The War of the Worlds Plus Blood, Guts and Zombies, which really makes no sense to me ’cause War of the Worlds doesn’t really need the undead to make it more grueseome; Jane Bites Back, which depicts Ms. Austen as a vampire exacting revenge on those who have turned a profit from her work; and my personal favorite, Pride and Predator, a film adaptation produced by Elton John’s company Rocket Pictures, will feature a fresh dose of Predator kicking some 19th century British ass.

Finally, someone has decided to go against the grain and compose a mash-up that has absolutely nothing to with Jane Austen. Combining my love of history with horror is Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter, an upcoming novel depicting “Victorian London rife with demons and dark forces, and a Queen hell-bent on preventing a zombie apocalypse.” Gearing up for an October 2009 release date, U.K. based published Hodder and Stoughton Limited is holding a contest to promote the book, inviting fans to create short films or animations combining horror and history.

Details concerning the contest can be found at We Are Not Amused, which also gives you the added bonus of the first chapter of the novel. So head on over and get to reading and brainstormin’ and promotin’ unique horror literature!

Bloody-Disgusting reported several days ago that James Wan, the man who conspired with Leigh Whannell to bring us the original Saw and usher in a franchise for the new millenium, will co-write and direct the adaptation of Castlevania, Konami’s classic side-scrolling masterpiece featuring vampire hunter Simon Belmont.

I have mixed feelings about this, and it has nothing to do with the fact that Wan directed Saw.

Wan had this to say to B-D about his vision for the film:

“The thing I love about what Konami did with Castlevania, was taking the iconic Dracula mythology and Eastern-European setting, and retelling it with a Japanese pop-cultural sensibility,” he continues. “That’s the East-meets-West tone I want to visually expand on for the film. I’m thrilled by the opportunity to make a highly stylized, fantasy, action film that focuses on the gothic storyline and the cool, anime-like characters. For once, the human hero is as sexy and dangerous as the vampire villain, and his weapon of choice was what attracted me to the project in the first place – The Vampire Killer Whip.”

This vexes me. While Castlevania: Symphony of the Night is one of the best video games ever made and indeed exemplifes the East-meets-West tone that Wan has a raging boner over, I feel by emulating this style and making the film more an over-the-top fantasy/action flick will detract from the inherently creepy imagery found in the original Castlevania games. Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest, wherein the titular hero must seek out the scattered body parts of Dracula in order to lift a curse and finally defeat him, could make a wonderful movie thanks to its involved storyline and incredibly dark theme.

This says nothing of the Paul W. S. Anderson script. I somehow managed to snag a copy (thanks, Internet!), and after reading it felt like I just watched Van Helsing all over again. The stories are nearly identical, and contain many of the same plot points. The ending made me actually laugh out loud, and dare I say I even chortled a bit, over how absolutely formulaic it was. IMDB still lists Anderson as a writer, so if he and Wan get together to write this thing, we can expect another ruined video game adaptation in the neear future.

I understand the appeal of a Castlevania movie, and I have been dying to see one for years now. But the movie should be focused on the genre in which the game is grounded. It should be dark, violent, and gritty, and focus heavily on the characters as well as the action and violence.All too often these films eschew characters and story for excessive action and violence, resulting in one more aspect of my childhood being stomped under the foot of a megalomaniacal filmmaker who thinks he “gets” the source material. You get NOTHING!

I just don’t want to see another Van Helsing, and I fear that’s what we might get.

…it might as well be one from the thirties. By way of Shock Till You Drop, HorrorSquad, the newest horror vehicle from Cinematical’s Scott Weinberg reports that Tobe Hooper, the man behind Poltergeist and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is in talks to direct a remake of the classic zombie film White Zombie.

Given the tendency for horror fans to go absolutely batshit insane over remakes, this seems like a good decision. The movie is nearly eighty years old, and while it is the first zombie film in existence, most modern horror fans – that is, those who typically complain about remakes – have a tendency to overlook its cultural impact. As a result, a remake, especially by someone as established as Tobe Hooper, would be welcomed with open arms by me, and hopefully introduce Generation Y to the classics about which many have forgotten.

Over the past week or so I have seen oodles of coverage on the unveiling of Jackie Earl Haley as Freddy Krueger in the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot by Platinum Dunes. Well, it’s finally here, and everyone from Bloody-Disgusting to Dread Central posted the picture, with only Shock Till You Drop mentioning that you just can’t see shit.

If you’re going to hype up something as potentially big as this, at least give the fans what they want. This whole “lurking in the shadows” thing is appropriate, but God damn, what a let down.

Though, I must say one thing: Earl Haley has a fairly….oval face. And he looks fucking tiny.

The fact that I completely yanked that subect line from Reddit (it’s too damned appropriate to NOT use) and its general non-horrorness notwithstanding, the very notion that FOX is apparently seeking new voice talent for Futurama’s triumphant return is nauseating. Of course, this is all probably apart of their grand scheme. See, FOX doesn’t like good TV shows. Remember Firefly? Remember how everyone fucking loved it and then they cancelled it? Same with Family Guy. By replacing the voice talent, they have an instant excuse for cancelling it after the first new season. Sure, they’ll cite poor ratings, but will they admit it’s because they changed the voices? Noooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Bastards. They better not hire new voice actors. Billy West, Katey Segal, and John DiMaggio MADE that show. If they get rid of them, I for one will no longer praise the Hypno-toad.

I will, however, watch the show if William Shatner does all the voices. And I mean ALL of them.

Some of you might remember a review I wrote for Us Sinners, an independant thriller written and directed by George Snow. More interesting than the review, however, was the fall out that followed it, as Mr. Snow had issues with the way I approached the film. This included outlining the entirety of the movie, including the ending, as well as misinterpreting several scenes, which I attributed to poor production value and a general disinterest in the movie once it began. Simply put, it was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I took the review down out of respect for Mr. Snow, but have since realized I don’t really care what he has to say about it.

I’m mentioning all of this because of something I saw on reddit today that mirrored the ending of Us Sinners. It seems a Russian woman didn’t take too kindly to the idea of her boyfriend leaving her, and instead of drowning her sorrows in alcohol or fucking every guy in sight, she blew his penis off with firecrackers. I was unable to find a clip on YouTube, and my memory is a bit hazy, as I have tried to block the film from my mind, but the ending featured the mother of the protagonist either strapping firecrackers too, or, *gasp* inserting them into his penis and blasting the poor thing into nothingness. The poor schmuck.

I might re-post my review just for the fuck of it, but here’s a teaser trailer for Us Sinners. Be prepared to be blown away by mediocrity.

This is Ash the Bobblehead. Ash is bored. For too long he has spent his days cooped up in boxes, or spending sunrise to sunset standing in the same spot on my bookshelf, longing to see this great land known as America. This this weekend I am packing up everything I own and moving more than halfway across the country to take up residence in Boulder, Colorado. How fortuitous for Mr. Williams indeed!

Much like his friend the Roaming Gnome, Ash will be having his picture taken in every state I pass through, beginning with my current location of Sarasota, Florida. Though my trip ends in Colorado, I don’t see why Ash’s has to. This brings me to..

ASH ACROSS AMERICA 2009

Who: You! The horror community! Anyone who has a film blog, horror or otherwise, can participate!

What: Upon my arrival in Colorado, I will be sending Ash to Peter of Horror’s Not Dead. He will then take a photo of Ash and send it on to the next blogger, posting the photo on his site and sending it to me to post on the AAA main page. Repeat ad nauseam.

How: Quite simply, actually! If you would like to participate, all you need to do is e-mail me your address and I will compile everything in a handy dandy spreadsheet to keep track of it all. As Ash makes his way from place to place, I will forward the next address in the queue to whomever is in possession of our Deadite-slaying friend so he or she can send the little guy off to his next destination.

Hopefully he’ll find his way back to me, but if not, c’est la vie.  If interested, fire me off an e-mail at bmchargue@gmail.com or leave a comment here. All addresses will be kept confidential, being seen only by those who will be sending the bobblehead off to you.

With horror, suspension of disbelief is key. Not anymore.

“Baby Stolen from Murdered Mother’s Womb”

Investigators are attempting to establish that the baby actually belonged to Kia Johnson, an 18-year-old woman whose partially-eviscerated body was found on Friday in Curry-Demus’s flat.

She had been bound with duct tape and probably drugged, said police. Her abdomen had been sliced open and most of her organs had been removed.

A placenta was found at the scene and investigators said they were not sure whether the victim was dead when the baby was removed.

Yet perhaps in a case even more similar to the French thriller…

In an almost identical crime, Sisouvanh Synhavong, 23, was charged with murder earlier this month after she allegedly stole a baby from a pregnant woman she met on a bus in Washington state.

Prosecutors say she kidnapped Araceli Gomez, 27, and forcefully removed the almost mature baby from her womb using a a box-cutting knife.

I’ve always said real life is more terrifying than zombies, vampires, and the like. This just proves me right.