I recently became interested in Stumbleupon as a means of site promotion. In discovering this site I also learned that people are apparently fans of I Love Horror. Conversely, I also discovered people don’t understand the concept of opinion and subjectivity.

“Praises hacks, criticises films made by real film-makers. Typical modern horror fan.” – AYBGerrardo

Regarding my Best/Worst of the year list:

“This list fails! This person has obviously never seen Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead trilogy. That and the best of list is terrible and can be done way better.” – Lepur

“How can you say you like horror and put Paranormal Activity on this list?” – 2c-e

“Zombieland was mediocre, Paranormal Activity was a total bore and anyone who slams Wes Craven over his superior Last House version has zero cred.” – ChristopherLo

“Why the fuck do people think that paranormal activity was a good film? It was long, boring, predictable, and they gave away the “best” scene in the fucking trailer.” – danstg0721

A little good amongst the bad:

“I normally don’t like blogs. I like this one. I like how he shares his opinion and doesn’t state it as fact. It’s just another point of view without being treated as if it’s factual.” – beckysue2009

What have I learned from all of this?

People are fucking stupid. Very, very stupid.

I was a guest on the AVOD this past week. Myself, Count Vardulon, and the Dive Mistress waxed poetic on the best films of the decade and why New Moon is a horrible movie. If I recall correctly, all I could mutter was more shit about God being dead, but good times were had all around nonetheless. Within a day or so I hope to have our Twilight drinking game posted, and over the next week possibly roll out a new look for I Love Horror. I intend on getting serious with the design and regular updates, as I’m sick of not getting any serious writing done.

Of course, these might just be empty promises.

I have apparently been given a couple of awards. The first was the Zombie Chicken Award, and while I’m unaware of its purpose, I want to give a special thanks to The Dive Mistress of the fantastic blog Zombots! for bestowing upon me what my ego is going to presume the highest honor anyone can receive in the history of ever. After that (or before, I can’t quite recall), I was given another award (I think) by someone else, though I can’t remember who (assuming I was given an award in the first place).

Most recently I was given a Fantastically Frightening Award by Brittney-Jade over at Day of the Woman, who called me the best hairy dude who hates everything and likes cute animals. Or something. I don’t really, as I’m too lazy to double check. But thanks just the same.

I think the rules dictate I give these awards out to people in return, but I don’t really want to single anyone out and I hate rules. You all do wonderful jobs writing words about things, and you should keep this up until you’re recognized for the fantastic writers you all are.

So I give an award to all of you. The….Awesome Award for Writing About Things. There’s no picture to go along with it because I suck at Photoshop.

Coming soon…

Norse mythology never gets treated fairly. My biggest complaint, however, is with the fact that Mjollnir looks nothing like it should. Apparently the posting of a picture and a couple of jabs at the trailer for being cheesy (which it is in spades) resulted in the animation director getting all pissy and unable to comprehend that no one honestly cares about a 12-year old dead project.

Should this project ever come back from the dead – and I hope it does – one can only hope it involves several musical numbers written by Elton John and Tim Rice and sung by Fabio himself. Queen Latifah and Eddie Murphy should play Huginn and Muninn, while Jim Carrey should voice Loki. Liam Neeson should serve as Odin, and to up the cheese factor use the thickest British accent he can muster.

The plot? Thor pisses off the gods for being a little bitch and abusing his powers so he’s forced to live on earth as a mortal boy. While there he discovers masturbation and Harlequin romance novels. Loki is sent to check on him but they become lovers.

I may have made some of that up.

I’m aware this isn’t horror related, I’m just bored and think it’s funny.

The hullabaloo surrounding Jennifer’s Body is predicated upon two factors:

1. The success of Diablo Cody’s screenwriting debut Juno

and

2. Megan Fox

The first one is more or less a moot point. I enjoyed Juno the first time I saw it, then all subsequent viewings rendered me incapable of appreciating its zany dialogue, unbelievable characters and bizarre psuedo-pedophiliac subplot starring Jason Bateman. Despite this, there is nothing stopping everyone’s favorite stripper-cum-writer from banging out a solid comedic horror flick, no matter how ridiculous the plot may be.

And the plot is indeed ridiculous. Utilizing the same theme found in the far superior The Hottie and the Nottiei starring Paris Hilton and the tomboy from Step by Step, uber hot flag girl Jennifer Check, played by Megan Fox has a best friend named Anita “Needy” Lesnicky who is apparently the exact opposite of Jennifer. Unfortunately for Jennifer, she gets sacrificed to the Devil by a rock band looking to garner a record deal. This is totally normal and not retarded on the myriad of levels it seems to be. Unfortunately, high school students aren’t too adept at conducting sacrifical rituals, and Jennifer becomes possessed by a demon with the urge to eat the boys at her school. Anita must stop her best friend from killing all the boys in her school. Girl power!

The ridiculous plot and inane subtext notwithstanding, Megan Fox simply sucks. She is a poor man’s Jennifer Connolly, and she couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag. What are two prior credits? Both Transformers movies. Was she good in them? No. She was eye candy. And that’s all she’ll be in this film.

I’m aware of my cynicism, considering I haven’t even seen the film, but God dammit, I fucking hate Megan Fox. I hope I’m proven wrong, I really am, I just don’t have high hopes. Also, this picture is just ridiculous, and of the main reasons I think the movie will be stupid.

So recently the Vault of Horror received an award from Planet of Terror called the Honest Scrap Award. He doesn’t know what it means, and frankly neither do I, but b_sol was kind enough to bestow this award onto I Love Horror and nine other noteworthy horror blogs. Coinciding with this was the creation of the Necronomicon Award for Outstanding Blogs of Horror by the proprietor of Monster Land, which was bestowed upon me as well. The appropriately named Ms. Harker conferred upon me both awards (presumably – she lumped them together), bringing the total level of ego inflation to astronomical levels. Then it came full circle when Day of the Woman. With the exception of b_sol, they’re all from women. Proof all the ladies love me and want to stroke my beard.

These awards are largely ceremonial given their ex nihilo nature, yet they are more than simple ego boosters. They are a sign of the growth and overwhelming sense of community that pervades the blogging community, bringing together like-minded individuals who share a passion for all things horror. Constant interaction and the ability to bounce new ideas off of each other lead to new appreciation and understanding of the genre, as well as increased opportunities within the professional world. Without I Love Horror and the endless support of other horror bloggers, I never would have landed some of the writing gigs I have now, especially the one at Fangoria, and for that I am eternally grateful.

On that note, here’s my list of the ten blogs I feel deserve an award or two, complete with sarcastic commentary and hilariously insulting comments. I tease because I love. If I left anyone out it’s not because I don’t love you. I really do. It’s just that I can only include so many blogs and you’re all wonderful and I promise I’ll make it up to you. How ’bout dinner followed by a movie? Maybe followed by a little “just friends” spooning?

The Vault of Horror Brian Solomon is like a Cinderella story in the world of blogging, and if it weren’t for our collaborations and all the help and support he has given me over the past several months, I’d be doing everything in my power to steal that silver slipper. Try as you might, b_sol, I WILL VANQUISH YOU! After our Dawn of the Dead podcast, however.

Horror’s Not Dead Why no one has mentioned him yet is beyond me. I think I owe more to Peter Hall than I do any other blogger. Without him I wouldn’t have gotten into the LoTT D, and without him I never would have been able to set up my site without making a series of grievous errors. Beyond that he is a frequent collaborater, and has graciously and selflessly offered me a place to crash while I ham it up with fans and bigwigs at FantasticFest. Little does he realize that I plan on stealing all of his DVDs. He always has something to offer in the way of reviews, commentary, and sporadic shit you’d never think existed.

Evil on Two Legs Aside from his awesome banner, Corey of Eo2L runs a clean, comprehensive site that covers just about damned near everything. From DVD releases to going-ons in the horror blogging community, this LAMB award winner offers something new and exciting with each post. I don’t know him well enough to make a sarcastic jab at him, so I’ll just poke fun at him for having the same name as my sister.

Day of the Woman The sister blog of the Vault of Horror is one of the more well-known blogs for one reason: the easter egg link to her hidden porn site. Kidding. It’s because she’s damned awesome at what she does and does it with a passion that belies her 19-year old, baton-twirling persona. She throws convention into the wind and writes about the most random topics. Oddly enough why I’m so awesome has yet to be one of them.

And Now the Screaming Starts One of the earliest supporters of I Love Horror, CrWM is one of the best writers I have come across. Infusing every post with the most obscure and esoteric factoids and references, he waxes philosophic on every conceivable topic, composing eloquentdissertation-like articles that make me feel really, really stupid. He recently offered me the opportunity to contribute a guest post, and now I feel really shitty for taking so long to respond to his most recent e-mail. My bad, yo.

Castle Vardulon I first stumbled upon the Count’s blog during my research for the popular French flick À L’Intérieur. He HATED this movie. His review put my potty mouth to shame, as it contained more instances of the word “fuck” than I have ever seen in one piece of work. We began talking after I made a comment about how very wrong he is, and despite this I have enjoyed his blog ever since. Quality, in-depth analysis of films and television enhanced by him and The Dive Mistresses’ AVOD – the audio-only video podcast make his blog worthy of applause, and perhaps maybe a bouquet of roses, too.

The Dive Mistress The cleverly named Zombots is the vehicle for the Dive Mistress, Vardulon’ partner in crime and denizen of my former haunt for eight years. It’s a shame I learned this AFTER I moved two thousand miles away (by like two fucking weeks), ’cause she’s a top notch writer and I could have really used a single friend who actually enjoyed horror as much as I do.

Monster Land This blog is relatively new to me, and despite my disappointment upon learning it wasn’t for a kick ass new theme park, I have grown to love it. Why? Well, it’s really good. Isn’t that what these awards are about? She’s also an academic like me, and will hopefully not be forced to quit like I did after spending too much fucking money on a worthless Master’s degree. She also said I was “a repository of the very best in horror criticism.” Who am I to argue with the truth?

Planet of Terror Despite overlooking my genius and humility, the insanely clever Cortez the Killer and The Complaint Department serve up a unique combination of old school and new school reviews guaranteed to keep you entertained and laughing your happy little ass off. Plus, they’re tuned into the importance of the blogging community, and I can totally dig that.

Musings Across a Continuum The appropriately named Ms. Harker is a vampire-lovin’, wallaby-wranglin’ Aussie bringing us the latest in all-things vampire. Why she’s living in Australia is beyond me, but I’d love to hear her say vampire with what I hope is an uber-thick Aussie accent. Plus, she’s been a long-time supporter of I Love Horror and friended me on Facebook, making her my furthest friend in the world.

Kindertrauma Because FUCK TOP TENS. Kindertrauma fucking owns your face not for its unique content and establishment as one of the best horror blogs in existence, but because it rocks a pink background and does it with fucking PRIDE.

Now I suppose this is the point where I reveal ten things about myself, huh? This never ends well.

1. I have a Master’s degree from Florida State University in Classical Civilizations. I don’t recommend it.

2. I really do not like the original Dawn of the Dead. In fact, I think it’s pretty bad as far as horror goes.

3. My favorite horror movie is Session 9 and I’ve been doing everything in my power to get an interview with Brad Anderson. A million cool points if you can make this happen.

4. I’m a hypochondriac to the nth degree, and I’m convinced I’m going bald, the giant, thick mess of long hair on my head notwithstanding.

5. I lost my job in Florida because of Facebook. This was one of the best and worst things to happen to me.

6. I love Welsh Corgis and desire to own two. Oh, what fun we’ll, laughing and playing and galavanting around.

7. I have a twin brother. He’s incredibly smart and knows this. We’re not identical, and the only thing we have in common is our lack of compassion. He hates horror.

8. The view from my balcony in Denver is so incredibly beautiful that for a brief moment you’ll experience what it’s like to see God. The you’ll realize it’s just gas.

9. I started this blog with the intent of building a writing portfolio and somehow finding a way to get my work read. I now contribute articles to Fangoria.com, which is one step below my dream of writing for the magazine full time.

10. My am so afarid of heights I cling to the center pole in gondola rides at county fairs and theme parks like a little bitch.

“Renfield, you asshole.”

Everyone seems to be up in arms over Entertainment Weekly’s recent list of the Top 20 Vampires in film, the cover of which featured sparkly vampire Edward Cullen of Twilight. Here is the complete list:

1. Lestat, Interview with the Vampire
2. Christopher Lee’s Dracula
3. Bela Lugosi’s Dracula
4. Edward Cullen, Twilight
   
5. Bill and Eric, True Blood
   
6. Asa Vajda, 1960’s Black Sunday
7. Angel
8. Mr. Barlow, Salem’s Lot
9. Schuyler Van Alen, Melissa de la Cruz’s Blue Blood’s series
10. Gary Oldman’s Dracula
11. Klaus Kinski’s Dracula
12. Zoey Redbird, P.C. and Kristen Cast’s House of Night series
13. Jean-Claude, Laurel K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series
14. David, 1987’s Lost Boys
15. Miriam Blaylock and Sarah Robert’s, 1983’s The Hunger
16. Blade, the Blade trilogy
17. Eli, 2008’s Let the Right One In
18. Countess Bathory, 1971’s Daughter’s of Darkness
19. Selene, the Underworld trilogy
20. Caleb and Mae, 1987’s Near Dark

OK, now let’s dissect this. The list was obviously compiled based on a variety of factors, none of which took into account the contentious nature of the horror fan. Getting all up in arms over a list from a non-horror magazine that still manages to include some incredibly obscure vampires (some of which I’ve never even heard of) is counter-productive. I’ll start by countering a point made by a fellow blogger:

Where in God’s name is it acceptable to put Tom Cruise’s vampire above anything on this list?! – BJ-C

Given the tendency of the list to distinguish actor’s and their role (Gary Oldman, Christopher Lee, etc), the inclusion of Lestat refers to the character and not the actor who played him. Remember, it was a book before it was a movie. While I agree that he should not be at the top of the list, the relative popularity of the character in the mid-nineties is enough to secure him a spot somewhere on the list.

The inclusion of Edward Cullen was necessary, as the overwhelming success of the Twilight series is the impetus for the list. Does he deserve to be on there? Well, yes and no. No because he’s a fucking sparkly vampire whose sole appeal is aimed at pre-pubescent girls who have yet to experience the joy of masturbation, and yes because this renewed interested in vampires can, in part, be credited to Pattison’s sparkly vampire character. This extends to the popularity of the True Blood series, and even the once-popular Angel.

The biggest grievance that should be filed by EVERYONE is the conspicuous lack of Graf Orlock from F. W. Murnau’s Nosferatu. ALong with Lee’s and Lugosi’s Dracula, it deserve to be included in the top three for its sheer lasting popularity and the impact the character has had on the vampire genre.

I for one feel the list is about fifty percent on the money and fifty percent excuse to retain credibility among EW readers. However, in the spirit of giving, here is MY list of the top twenty vampires in film:

1. Graf Orlock, Nosferatu
2. Christopher Lee, Dracula
   
3. Bela Lugosi, Dracula
4. Leslie Nielsen, Dracula from Dracula: Dead and Loving It
5. The red-headed bride of Dracula from 2004’s Van Helsing
6. The Vampire Lanois, The Afghan Whig’s 1998 album 1965
7. Whichever vampire Corey Feldman played in The Lost Boys
8. Gary Oldman’s Dracula
9. Jan Valek from John Carpenter’s Vampires
10. Dracula from The Monster Squad
11. Amilyn, played by Paul Reubens in Buffy the Vampire Slayer
12. Blacula, Blacula
13. Viktor, the Underworld trilogy
14. Jeremy Capello, My Best Friend is a Vampire
15. Eli, Let the Right One In
16. Severen, played by Bill Paxton in Near Dark
17. Blade, the Blade trilogy
18. Any female vampire in any film that shows her boobs
19. Max Schrek, played by Willem Dafoe, because he’s ugly enough to need only minimal make-up
20. Edward Cullen’s mutilated corpse

WrongCards.com, an e-card website for those who feel sarcasm and humor is better than genuine affection, has a wonderful collection of zombie-themed e-cards to send to those special loved ones you feel need a little more zombie in their lives.

I’d like to see a zombie film that has nothing to do with survival and everything to do with panic. In the end, the zombies are merely secondary to the overarching theme of Holy shit we’re all going to die.

Am I the only one who thinks a zombie apocalypse would be awesome? It’d be every wannabe-survivalist’s wet dream.

A witty catch phrase just before you mow down a rampaging horde of the undead will only enhance your coolness.

I think this was the only one on the website that could actually be used as a meaningful e-card.

The rest can be viewed here.

Everyone hates Twilight. I hate Twilight, you hate Twilight, every single self-respecting human being who went to ComicCon hates Twilight.  The only ones who don’t hate Twilight are the vacuous tweens who needed something mind-numbingly retarded to devour after finishing the latest Harry Potter book, the leftover-from-the-nineties goths who find the idea of being the object of a handsome Brit’s disturbing vampiric affection the ideal romantic situation, and female college students majoring in studio art. The success of Twilight, affectionately dubbed “Twatlight” by the LoTT D’s own BJ-C, is only one of many signs of the downfall of respectable literature, and proof positive that any moron with a basic command of the English language can write a best-selling novel.

This is the opening paragraph of the first book:

“My mother drove me to the airport with the window rolled down. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite shirt – sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry on item was a parka.”

Literary vomit. All of it.  But one, tiny paragraph is clearly not representative of an entire book, so let’s fast-forward a few pages.

“Eventually we made it to Charlie’s. He still lived in the small, two-bedroom house that he’d bought with my mother in the early days of their marriage. Those were the only kind of days their marriage had – the early ones.”

What the fuck does that even mean? Had I been one of the few suckered by Stephanie Meyer’s Mormon spell, it would have been at this point that I set fire to the book and punched a baby in the face. Clearly I’m not taking into account the overall story or the characters or anything that goes into making a book a book, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m not a literary critic, and feel that every time I make an attempt to be one I end up sounding like, well, like Ms. Meyer. Like a moron. So I don’t. But the style of one’s prose can make or break a novel. The Road, Cormac McCarthy’s best-selling novel-cum-post-apocalyptic film starring Viggo Mortensen, possessed a phenomenal story, yet one I was unable to complete because of his minimalistic writing style. After flipping through a few more pages, these brief excerpts are indeed representative of the banality and amateurism that pervades the book.

Not content with ruining literature, Twilight is poised to poison film. While most dedicated horror fans realize that Twilight is clearly NOT a horror film, the obligation of horror news sites to report on everything even remotely related to the subject means we are consistently subjected to the latest news and reports of the newest installment of the cinematical equivalent of my diarrhea.This takes up space, and, while seemingly innocuous, does in fact make baby Jesus cry.

So what are we to do? Hunting Stephanie Meyer down and forcing her to watch Near Dark doesn’t seem feasible, and the systematic killing of everyone who has in any way supported the success of the novel and the film would just take too long.

Oh, I know. Funny pictures.

A suitable replacement would be Jack Crow from John Carpenter’s Vampires.

And my personal favorite…

It’s also the smell of teenage angst.

Fuck Twilight.

“My reviews! Burgled! Plundered! Purloined! Ha, ha, ha… Loins.”

Whilst making my hourly inquisition of ILH’s stats and whatnot, I noticed a pingback on one of my reviews. Being the curious cat that I am, I followed the link to Fear Tunnel, a horror site in what appears to be entirely in Turkish, wherein I discovered three of my reviews (The Unborn, Mum & Dad, and Doomsday) posted verbatim, formatting and all. Only one was sourced, and a more in-depth investigation reveals what appears to be a variety of his or her’s own reviews in their native tongue.

While I am flattered, I am a little pissed off, as I was never asked nor offered exorbitant sums of money in exchange for my work to be reproduced on a website written almost entirely in funny speak. So, should you be reading, Mr. Turkish (I think) horror enthusiast, please take them down or send me forty billion dollars so I don’t have to wade through your site in an effort to contact you and tell you to take them down.

‘Cause come on man, not cool.