The Best and Worst Horror Movies of 2009
As the year – and decade – comes to a close, we must take the time to reflect on the films that in some way made this year not AS horrible for horror as it might seem. While ten is a nice round number, I was unable to come up with ten films that I truly loved and could, without regret, name the best of the year. In between the many theatrical stinkers and the disappointing indies, I managed to come up with nine, count ‘em NINE films that didn’t make me want to vomit. So without further adieu…
The Top 10 9 Horror Films of 2009
9. Zombieland I’m hesitant to include this on the list, as I don’t really feel it’s a horror movie, but a comedy with horror elements. It was also one of the funniest movies to come out all year, and it includes zombies, so it’s worthy of distinction. While most horror comedies tend to start off strong and then stray into serious territory, Zombieland managed to remain consistent, injecting plenty of humor throughout, even during the sentimental moments. I was grateful enough to catch a premiere screening at Fantastic Fest in Austin back in September, and hearing Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, and the hot chick from Superbad talk about their experience on the film and answer questions from the fans made me appreciate their performances that much more. As soon as I’m no longer poor, the DVD will grace my shelf. So, you know, buy it for me.
8. Orphan I’m clearly in the minority among most of my friends, but I loved Orphan. It was creepy, suspenseful, and featured the adorable Arianna Engineer as Vera Farmiga’s youngest daughter. Isabelle Fuhrman played the titular character perfectly and was intensely creepy throughout, especially during the big twist ending. From my review, because I’m way too lazy to think of something new to type up: The fear didn’t come from fleeting scares like or a hackneyed score, but from pure, unbridled, nervous tension, an aspect lost on most contemporary thrillers.
7. Doghouse This film was unknown to me until I went to Fantastic Fest, where it screened twice with writer/director Jake West in attendance. Not only is he one of the nicest people I have ever met (he gave me boxing lessons before I got my ass beat by a black lesbian), but he made a fantastic horror comedy. Described in my review as “one of the most fun and engaging experiences you can have in a movie theater this year,” it seamlessly blended humor and horror, featured stellar zombie effects, and gave us another great UK flick with Danny Dyer. Whether or not this film will get a decent release is beyond me, but here’s hoping it gets a US DVD release soon (it was made available on October 9th in the UK).
6. Last House on the Left I hated the original Wes Craven classic. While indeed shocking, it was boring, drawn out, and featured the worst possible choices in music I have ever seen in a horror film. Taking this into account, and the fact that it’s a remake, I did not have high hopes for this one. Surprisingly, I found this redux to be incredibly brutal, with all the cheesiness that plagued the original stripped out in favor of all the tension and terror you would come to expect in a film about two girls viciously beaten and raped. Save for a slightly ridiculous yet delightfully bloody ending, it managed to restore my faith, however minor, in the state of horror remakes today. The very fact that a remake made this list surprised the shit out of me, but stranger things have happened.
5. Trick ‘r Treat I want to admit something to you: when I first saw Trick ‘r Treat at Fantastic Fest, I knew nothing about it. Given it’s title, I assumed it to be a slasher flick in the vein of Black Christmas or April Fool’s Day, and as a result was expecting the worst. Because of this, throughout a good portion of the movie I was REALLY FUCKING CONFUSED. Yes, it looks pretty, but what’s with the disjointed plot. Then it dawned on me that it was an anthology and I felt like an idiot. Once all the pieces fell into place, I realized how utterly original and brilliant the film was. The film had an even greater impact on me when writer/director Michael Dougherty spoke to the audience and revealed why he made the film. “True” Halloween movies are few and far between, but Dougherty got down to the nitty gritty and crafted an exceptional film, and one that will hopefully make the sack-headed “Sam” a new holiday icon.
4. Carriers This “under-the-radar” post-apocalyptic thriller probably had “zombie” written all over it, but looks can be deceiving. There was nary a zombie in the film, and while the film basically got fucked in terms of a release, it has managed to receive a bit a buzz, ensuring a solid return on DVD (at least among horror films). It managed to take the tired and often overbearing concept of a “group of people trying to survive….something” and make it into a solid, bleak and downright disturbing thriller. Word even has it that a limited edition German box set will be available sometime early next year, so keep your eyes open for that.
3. [REC]2 Everyone liked the first installment in this off-the-fucking-chain cinema verite powerhouse from Spain. I have a feeling that once the majority of people see [REC]2, they’ll be clamoring for a third one. I described it as “the best first person shooter I’ve ever seen,” as the impressive use of Heads Up Displays and picture-in-picture managed to make the film not only believable, but fucking exciting as all holy hell. You’re eventually treated to one hell of an ending that rivals the first in terms of fear and intensity. If you have the chance, be it through a screening or getting your hands on a copy of the DVD, see this movie.
2. Paranormal Activity Holy shit, this isn’t number one? You’d think with how much I touted this film as one of the best horror films of the decade that it would earn the number one spot. Paranormal Activity is still a phenomenal film, and manages to utilize cinema verite in a way that’s believable and non-vomit inducing, all while actually providing a heaping dose of fear. It proves that you don’t need a huge budget to make a great and terrifying horror film, just a an idea, some actors and a camera. In fact, Paranormal Activity spawned a horror movie of my own, which I working on with a fellow horror blogger. Here’s hoping Oren Peli can emulate the success of this film with Area 51.
…and the best horror film of the year is…
1. Pontypool Yes. Pontypool. This movie is one of the most original and highly engrossing horror films I have ever seen. The casting is perfect, with Stephen McHattie giving an outstanding performance as an opinionated on-air personality who starts reporting on a dangerous outbreak of bizarre behavior that is seemingly transmitted via speech. One of the things I absolutely love about the film is its dialogue: rapid-fire delivery that doesn’t miss a beat and manages to engross the viewer every step of the way. Unfortunately, the film will not be released for purchase until January of 2010, so I have about another month before I can get my hand on this wonderful piece of Canadian cinema.
The WORST Horror Movies of 2009
7. Antichrist I give props to Lars von Trier for crafting one of the most beautiful opening sequences of any film I have ever seen, but that does little to save the self-serving hour and a half that followed. I have no problem with genital mutilation per se, but its overuse was a major factor in my distaste for the film. It was made for von Trier and no one else, and despite the popularity of “Chaos Reigns” (I will admit that was a cool scene), Antichrist was nothing more than pompous bloviation.
6. The Haunting in Connecticut, or How to Overpopulate a Movie with Jump Scares. Also, why the fuck does Elias Koteas keep getting work? This movie was a major bore from start to finish, and I’m not ashamed to admit I was fooled by the trailer. What I hoped to be a taut psychological thriller ended up being mired in convention and featured a lackluster ending that did little to shock or even entertain.
5. The Uninvited Clearly A Tale of Two Sisters was better, but The Uninvited had the added bonus of featuring horrible acting, a hackneyed score and everything that made the original worth a damn. I was the only one in the theater when I went to see it. It had been out for about three days when I did. The only reason I didn’t leave the theater is because I paid for it, and it gave me a chance to pick my nose, an event that was far more entertaining than anything this movie promised. It was too bright and cheery for its subject matter, and who in their right mind thought Elizabeth Banks would be a good casting choice for a horror movie?
4. Grace I hate doing this because Grace this was one of my most anticipated horror films of the year, but Paul Solet’s undead-baby-thirsting-for-blood story of questionable parenting failed something fierce. It was fiercely misogynistic, and while it possessed the potential to be a solid thriller, it managed to get wrapped up in horrible cliches. Despite it, it was beautifully shot and featured great sound editing, but beyond that it was a wash.
3. Drag Me to Hell It’s 90+% rating on Rotten Tomatoes notwithstanding, it took a second viewing of this film to make realize just utterly retarded it really is. Too slapstick to be horror and too many moments of uninspired intensity to comedy, Sam Raimi’s “return to horror” is anything but. The story is weak and predictable, and Allison Lohman makes Paris Hilton look like an Oscar winner.
2. Jennifer’s Body How the fuck did Diablo Cody get so lucky? Juno irritated me because of the dialogue, but given the subject matter it had a quirky folksiness to it. This was just an unbelievable embarrassment. I’ll just let a quote from my review sum up why I hated it so much: This woman has absolutely no grasp on reality, convinced all teenagers live in their own self-involved world and communicating through a made up language indecipherable to anyone with a fully developed brain or lacking the latest book of Cody-speak. Every single line is peppered with faux-teenage slang, itself an affront to teenagers existing on this plane of existence, and spouted out by wooden characters.
…and the worst horror movie of the year is….
1. The Unborn Stick with Batman, David Goyer. Horrible acting, stock characters and a horribly convoluted and ridiculous story resulted in one of the worst movie-going experiences of the year. It was an utter train wreck from start to finish, and it should have never been made. The only saving grace was Odette Yustman’s ass and the guy who played Raiden in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. And he was barely in it.
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Good call on “Carriers”-I just watched/reviewed it as well. Definitely and underrated film. Glad they didn’t go the zombie route.
I’m surprised by Grace & DMtH in the worst of lists, I’ve got them near the top of my best of. Thought Drag was a really fun movie, with lots of the slapstick and winks to the audience that made ED2 so much fun.
Can Grace be misogynistic if the guys in it are as bad as the ladies. The husbands are spineless cowards and the doctor is a pervert who is willing to go along with plan to separate a mother and a child because of vaguely hinted at sexual favors.
I think Grace isn’t misogynistic so much as it is misanthropic.
Great list – can’t agree with you on Grace (would love to know why you thought it was misogynistic), but glad to see someone else thought Drag Me to Hell was dreadful. Carriers and Doghouse are in my pile-to-watch, so you inspired me to get off my arse and review them.
Oh and a big YES!!! To Pontypool – my film of the year also. Read my review here, if you like: http://bit.ly/4lCxfx
I agree 100% on Grace. I am glad I am not the only one who thought it was overrated. Can’t wait to see Carriers and Pontypool!
Thank you so much for introducing me to Carriers. I watched it last night. The movie’s about the survival and not about what the virus really is or how it came about, a refreshing change to the typical survival movie format. It was never bogged down by conspiracy theories or flashbacks or any other nonsense. Kudos.
I would also have to agree with you on The Last House on the Left. I actually saw the remake first and was thoroughly impressed so I figured I should probably watch the original. Wow. I did not expect that much cheese and the music only added to my disappointment. This is indeed a rare case where the remake is better than the original. Well, not just better but 100 times better.
I’m glad to hear someone else not try to seduce Drag Me to Hell with chocolate and fine words. I thought it was fun enough, but was blindsided by those putting it in their top films of the year. Maybe I’m just not quite as nostalgic for Sam Raimi as others, but I just thought it was good at best. Not scary in any way, but kind of, well…cute. Which isn’t normally what I want from horror, but I’m say this is the perfect 13 year old slumber party movie. Not in any way one of the best.
I saw The Uninvited at a free preview screening, and I’d say meh, but not as awful as I was expecting (although granted, I’ve yet to see A tale of Two Sisters as my library seems to hate me). The two sisters gave strong performances, but otherwise, this was incredibly forgettable and meh.
Lastly, Carriers & Orphan were both quite loved by me. COnsider yourself a man of good taste.
Oh lord. You obviously dont watch enough horror to be qualified to make such a list. The top ten aint that wrong, and I think to myself that this is just another fool trying to show of his horror knowledge, but then you start with the “worst” of 2009″ and I cant help thinking that these 17 movies probably were all the horrormovies you saw last year.
Paranormal activity as number 2? such a tool you are! It’s from 2007 and not even my girlfriend was scared from this piece of boring shit. That saying quite alot
Obviously.
Paranormal Activity had its first screening in 2007 at Slamdance, but it received its release in 2009. In the end you can argue either way, but most are inclined to include it on a 2009 list.
Please look up the definition of the word “subjectivity” and get back to me.
Carriers was quite similar to Zombieland/28 Days Later/Cabin Fever and all three of those films are better than Carriers. It just didn’t bring anything new to the table and had conflicting views on really what the movie was about.
If you thought Drag Me To Hell was one of the worst movies of 2009 then you really don’t know what a horror film is. Comedy and horror have to mix in order for you to love it. If we can’t love the character through humor in the worst of situations then we have no connection and we could care less if they get fucked. Sam Raimi brought back horror to what it should be. Even when you think your safe you’re fucked and nothing is going to save you. We didn’t cheat death in that movie.
Antichrist wasn’t a horror film so I wouldn’t even look at it in that sense.
Given how much is wrong with everything you just said, I’m unsure as to whether I should deem that a serious comment or the work of a troll.
So i’ve now seen pontypool and I was actually going to ask for a more detailed explanation why you liked this. Im not going to do that. 5 of my friends (even the one who likes movies like “ink” and “the nines”) have unanimous voted this as one of the most boring horrormovies seen the last 2 years. So it has now dishonourably taken its place among movies like house of blood and albino farm. Albino Farm is also from 2009 and in mine subjective mind without doubt the worst film from 2009.
Guess you have not seen it as I have a feeling that you only watch horror that have reached a certain amount of publicity.
Not so much, no.
With respect, I was bored to hell watching Pontypool. I didn’t hate it and it was original but…I just wanted that thing to end.
Thanks for this great list.
I’ve seen similar lists on similar sites, but couldn’t agree more with this one.
Pontypool is indeed a great movie.
Totally agree with you on Drag Me to Hell. What a stupid, predictable piece of crap. It’s not bad enough to be good-bad (like The Apple) and it’s not campy enough to be fun-bad (like Toxic Avenger). It’s just bad.
Mostly agreed except
1.Orphan was too predictable
2.Paranormal Activity sucked. Maybe I’m the only one, but I was bored throughout. I kept waiting for the exciting part and it never came. Not scary at all either.
3.Jennifer’s Body was ok, not as a horror movie though. The first half was better than the latter, but it was somewhat entertaining.
I completely agree about Drag Me to Hell. I had heard that it was incredible, and very scary, and I was completely disappointed. I’m still left wondering if the whole thing was some sort of odd joke
I honestly didn’t think ORPHAN was too predictable. I loved PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, and one day I may write up a piece on why it’s as good as I think it is. JENNIFER’S BODY was dreadful in every sense of the word.