Review: Captivity
Director: Roland Joffe
Year: 2007
Country: USA
The top ten things I would rather do than watch Captivity again:
1. Eat haggis….before it’s cooked.
2. Spend three hours pressed between the well-lubricated buttocks of two 600-pound Jamaican women while listening to reggae as sung by the Chipmunks.
3. Take a cheese grater soaked in vinegar and rub it vigorously against my manly parts for fifteen seconds.
4. Tell Nickelback – to their face – that they’re the greatest rock back in the history of music, which will not only compromise my integrity, but I’m fairly certain make me throw up violently.
5. Pull my toenails out with a pair of pliers – and eat them.
6. Take a warm bath in a vat filled with a woman’s monthly…visitor.
7. Wax off all the hair on my body.
8. Get a tattoo that says “I <3 Edward Cullen” right on my forehead.
9. Personally insert a candiru fish into my urethra.
10. Two words: gay orgy.
Captivity is one of the worst films in the history of cinema. Roland Joffe, you have given the world incontrovertible proof of the existence of a malevolent deity that wants nothing more than to melt out our eyeballs with the excrement you have foisted upon us in the guise of a “horror movie.” Captivity is nothing more than a vile exercise in torture porn, bereft of anything that resembles a coherent plot and devoid of a single redeeming quality. Shame on you, Mr. Joffe, for creating that which can only be considered an abomination unto mankind, and may God have mercy on your cold, black soul.
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Could not agree with you more. What a shit heap. But I would rather cut off my man parts instead of blowing any smoke up Nickelbacks arse. I hate them THAT much.
Roland Joffe’s career seems to have gone the way of Michael Cimino. Joffe made a phenomenal first film (The Killing Fields, one was one of the best films of its decade), a 2nd film I’ve heard is great (The Mission) the next year, and then it’s been apparently downhill since.
It really makes you wonder how promising talent appear to lose their handle on filmmaking, or if they just don’t care anymore.
Judging by a quote from Wikipedia, which is always right and never wrong, they went back and edited the film to make it more “torture porn-y.” This for some reason leads me to believe that Joffe just wanted to capitalize on the popular trend that was, well, never really popular to begin with.
So you’re saying you enjoyed the film?
One hopes the whole trend of “torture-porn” phase of horror films has come and gone, but when you read Saw 7 has already been greenlit, you just have to shake your head in dazed amazement.