Most everyone in tune with horror, especially those with a predilection for consuming horror-themed literature have heard of or read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a mash-up of Jane Austen’s classic novel and, well, zombies. Despite its relative popularity it has received mixed reviews, with some citing the prevalence of Jane Austen over the inherent zombie whackiness most people have come to expect. One thing can’t be denied: this shit is spreading like wildfire.

Other horror-themed mash-ups include Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, proving Jane Austen is only tolerable when it contains otherworldly creatures or cryptids; The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim, which appears to tackle the concept of slavery; and The War of the Worlds Plus Blood, Guts and Zombies, which really makes no sense to me ’cause War of the Worlds doesn’t really need the undead to make it more grueseome; Jane Bites Back, which depicts Ms. Austen as a vampire exacting revenge on those who have turned a profit from her work; and my personal favorite, Pride and Predator, a film adaptation produced by Elton John’s company Rocket Pictures, will feature a fresh dose of Predator kicking some 19th century British ass.

Finally, someone has decided to go against the grain and compose a mash-up that has absolutely nothing to with Jane Austen. Combining my love of history with horror is Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter, an upcoming novel depicting “Victorian London rife with demons and dark forces, and a Queen hell-bent on preventing a zombie apocalypse.” Gearing up for an October 2009 release date, U.K. based published Hodder and Stoughton Limited is holding a contest to promote the book, inviting fans to create short films or animations combining horror and history.

Details concerning the contest can be found at We Are Not Amused, which also gives you the added bonus of the first chapter of the novel. So head on over and get to reading and brainstormin’ and promotin’ unique horror literature!

Director: Roland Joffe
Year: 2007
Country: USA

The top ten things I would rather do than watch Captivity again:

1. Eat haggis….before it’s cooked.

2. Spend three hours pressed between the well-lubricated buttocks of two 600-pound Jamaican women while listening to reggae as sung by the Chipmunks.

3. Take a cheese grater soaked in vinegar and rub it vigorously against my manly parts for fifteen seconds.

4. Tell Nickelback – to their face – that they’re the greatest rock back in the history of music, which will not only compromise my integrity, but I’m fairly certain make me throw up violently.

5. Pull my toenails out with a pair of pliers – and eat them.

6. Take a warm bath in a vat filled with a woman’s monthly…visitor.

7. Wax off all the hair on my body.

8. Get a tattoo that says “I <3 Edward Cullen” right on my forehead.

9. Personally insert a candiru fish into my urethra.

10. Two words: gay orgy.

Captivity is one of the worst films in the history of cinema. Roland Joffe, you have given the world incontrovertible proof of the existence of a malevolent deity that wants nothing more than to melt out our eyeballs with the excrement you have foisted upon us in the guise of a “horror movie.” Captivity is nothing more than a vile exercise in torture porn, bereft of anything that resembles a coherent plot and devoid of a single redeeming quality. Shame on you, Mr. Joffe, for creating that which can only be considered an abomination unto mankind, and may God have mercy on your cold, black soul.

Director: Paul Solet
Year: 2009
Country: USA/Canada

*Warning: This review contains spoilers.*

Hype is a horror film’s worst enemy. I have had my finger on the pulse of Paul Solet’s auspicious debut since seeing the poster for the first time several months ago and have been chomping at the bit to see it. Solid reviews, including one that outright stated that “this is the film that the horror industry needs” (I’m paraphrasing of course), only served to whet my appetite even more. It’s success has been driven heavily by word-of-mouth support, and although beleaguered by a few negative reviews here and there, it boasts a 70% rating on Rotten Tomatoes at the time of this writing, which is a solid effort for a freshman writer/director in any genre, let alone horror. Grace, unfortunately, fails to live up to the hype, bogged down by poorly written characters and gaping holes in logic that do nothing more than cast a misogynistic shadow over the film’s lumbering eighty-five minute run time.

Grace opens with Madeline and her husband Michael attempting to conceive. Madeline is a health-centric vegan at odds with her mother-in-law, a prominent judge who disagrees with her decision to see a midwife as opposed to a family doctor during her pregnancy. The midwife herself, Dr. Lang, is an old friend of Madeline’s, whom we learn once shared a romance with some time in the past. After a scare that almost cost her the baby, tragedy strikes as Madeline and Michael get into a car accident. Michael is killed and the unborn child dies in utero. Despite objections from her mother-in-law, the baby is carried to term with the assistance of Dr. Lang, only to reveal that the now aptly named Grace is alive. Although relieved, Madeline soon learns Grace isn’t like other babies. She’s hungry, and not for milk.

Grace manages to wear its concept on its blood-soaked sleeve, eschewing subtlety in favor of explicit attempts at shock value before devolving into a mess of unnecessary violence. Although possessing a solid concept, most of the film’s faults are centered around the poorly written characters and the lack of logic involved in their decisions. Jordan Ladd’s portrayal of Madeline lacks the emotion one might expect from the discovery that your resurrected newborn has an unquenchable thirst for blood, and instead rolls over and simply accepts it. She is incredibly stubborn, and although hints are given in the beginning, from the presence of flies around Grace, her unusual smell and her core body temperature measuring five degrees lower than normal, she refuses proper medical help, instead preferring to repeatedly call Dr. Lang and never reaching her.

Eventually, the sudden realization that her baby is essentially a monster is met with little to no resistance, ultimately driving the film into blood-soaked convention. Madeline will do anything to feed her baby, even kill. As a result she’s seen as weak-willed, exacerbated by her refusal to see a doctor, an act that is in of itself a contradiction of her desire to help her baby. Her emotions control her throughout the film, defying logic and common sense at the expense of her health and the health of Grace. She literally allows Grace to suck the life out of her, and therein lies a major fault of the film. Despite all of this happening to her, she is well aware of the danger this imposes, making several unsuccessful attempts to contact Dr. Lang for help. Because of this, we’re given a conflict of emotions. Madeline’s descent into madness is suitable for psychological horror, yet her awareness of the gravity of the situation implies she’s not as crazy as Solet would like us to believe, which becomes evident in the gruesome climax.

The remaining cast does little to alleviate the misogynistic undertones. Dr. Lang’s supposed lingering romantic love serves almost no purpose in the film as a whole, while her assistant is there to simply continue the direction the story takes leading up to the climax by lying to her, presumably due to jealousy of her lingering romantic interest in Madeline. It’s never explained, and quickly forgotten. Madeline’s mother-in-law desires to protect Grace, yet simply presumes she’s an unfit mother based entirely on her refusal to see a doctor and her absolute trust in the abilities of Dr. Lang. Not unreasonable by any stretch of the imagination, yet nothing more than a weak set up for the climax of the film. Grace is entirely too self-aware of the direction it’s heading, falling into moments of utter predictability before lapsing into nothing more than a blood-soaked exercise in violence, which is the one thing it did not need.

Solet’s excellent direction and appropriate use of sound to elevate tension do little alleviate the glaring holes in logic and irrational actions of the characters. The thematic elements of the story are suitable for psychological horror, yet Solet favored a more linear approach, preferring shock value over an intelligent portrayal of one woman’s descent into madness surrounding the incredible circumstances surrounding the birth of her child. In the end, Grace is nothing more than wasted potential, its success on the indie circuit a sign of the overwhelming power of word-of-mouth.

I love alliteration, however weak it may be.

So after showcasing my insanely large music collection to the inimitable Tenebrous Kate, we decided to send each other mix CDs filled to the brim with horror-themed music. Given my tendency to be lazy and forget things, I was reminded of our little exchange when her CD arrived in the mail a couple of days ago, and let me tell you my friends, it most certainly does not disappoint. Take a gander at this here track listing:

Toto Coelo – Dracula’s Tango
Monkey Farm Frankenstein – 05 Evil Dead
Alien Sex Fiend – Nightmare Zone
Fantomas – Spider Baby
Zombina & the Skeletones – Nobody Likes You When You’re dead
The Young Werewolves – Graveyard of Love
Penis Flytap – Cemetery Girl
Scarlet and the Spooky Spiders – Garbageman
Phantom Creeps – Voodoo Spell
The Ubangis – Sartana Surfs in Rome
Voodoo Church – Live With the Dead
45 Grave – Party Time
Groovy Ghoulies – Don’t Make Me Kill You Again
Gein and the Graverobbers – The Hungry Grave
Deadbolt – Crime Scene
Cult of the Psychic fetus – Coffin Beggar
The Crimson Ghosts – Halloween
Samhain – Archangel
The Ghastly Ones – Flying Saucers Over Van Nuys
Blitzkid – Pumkin Patch Murders
Pyschocharger – Return of the One Percenter
Crimson Ghost – Sons of the Zodiac
Bathory – Blood Fire Death

Given my competitive nature, I have to top this. And top it I shall!

Would anyone else like a copy of it once I’m done? Leave a message in the comments with your e-mail. Free music for everyone!

The notion of fear is entirely subjective; what scares one makes another laugh. I certainly have  no real phobia of clowns (coulrophobia), but I know some people that are genuinely terrified of them. In contrast, I am terrified of spiders, while some love them and think they’re beneficial and for some reason save them instead of squishing them underfoot. These people are fools and will end up being our downfall. And when the spider clowns arrive….ah shit.

In the end, only a small handful of films have generally instilled in me a sense of fear. Whether it was due my incredibly young age or the fact that I’m a huge coward is beyond me, as none of these films have a single identifying characteristic that generally spooks me. This is an attempt to flesh it out.

5. Sleepaway Camp The general time period of viewing this classic has been forgotten (I may have been eight, but I think it was closer to twelve or so), but I distinctly remember losing sleep at night over the ending, which ranks in my mind as one of the most fucked up moments in all of horror. Oddly enough, it wasn’t the fact that Angela was revealed to be a transgendered male that terrified me – I don’t think my little brain even really comprehended what I was seeing – but the look on her face and the eerie amalgamation of hissing and growling that she was making as she stood there stark naked holding a knife in her hand. Here’s the video. Have a fresh pair of pants ready, ’cause this is surely shit inducing.

4. Event Horizon Despite being directed by Paul W. S. Anderson, whose modus operandi as of late seems to be bubble-gum action adventure tripe (I read his script for the Castlevania movie – utter hilarity), Event Horizon was scary as fuck, forcing me to sleep with music playing the night I saw it. Its method of conveying fear was seen in two ways: first, the idea of being trapped on the ship while hallucinating, compounded by the fact that Sam Neill’s scarred and burned face kept appearing out of nowhere; and second, the very concept of a place worse than Hell was absolutely terrifying to me. That, and the line “Where we’re going, we won’t need eyes to see.”

3. A Nightmare on Elm Street III: Dream Warriors I honestly have no idea why this film scared me, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that I was an eight-year old watching Freddy Krueger treating a man like a marionette with his veins. That’s enough to scar anyone, especially those with a fear of puppets. Nowadays I just kinda scoff at the fact that it actually scared me, but I was eight, and maybe I pushed it into my subconscious, but I have a huge scar on my left wrist from when I almost had a vein ripped open. Clearly the work of Freddy Krueger disguised as an eight year old girl. Or stigmata.

2. Session 9 I have long proclaimed that Session 9 is one of the best and most effective horror films ever made. This proclamation contains a hint of objectivity, as it genuinely freaked the shit out of me as I watched alone one night. The fact that my dad was in the other room and the kitchen light was on and I’m fairly certain my brother was about twenty feet away from did little to deter me from looking over my shoulder during the final twenty minutes. As Gordon is running through Danvers looking for the source of the noises and Phil explores the underground tunnels, we’re slowly given an explanation for the events that have occurred. The film ends with an allusion to the true reality of the situation, found in the final line, “I live in the weak and the wounded, Doc.” Not only did this film terrify me, but it inspired me to proudly call for horror movies that eschewed convention, preferring instead to focus on the people and mounting tension.

1. The Blair Witch Project Say what you will about this film, but cinema verite can be very effective, especially when you go home to a pitch black house at two in the morning all by yourself. I was but a wee lad of seventeen when I saw it, but its combination of supposedly real events and unique methods of conveying mounting tension resulted in a terrifying experience at the time. Looking back I was one of the few to actually support this film, but one can’t deny the impact it’s had on independent horror and the future of cinema verite film making as a whole. It allows the viewer to get up close and personal with the antagonists, and gives us a glimpse at expressions of fear not otherwise seen through standard film making.

What about you? What movies have actually scared you?

Please stop associating me with Twilight bashing. My initial post about it was an attempt at humor and to post funny pictures, and it’s snowballed out of control. My only other mention of it was a rebuttal to something someone said about me in a completely unrelated forum. I don’t like the books because I think they’re bad literature, and I don’t like the films because they take up space and I’m just sick of hearing about them. It’s like hearing about Jon and Kate Gosselin and their brood of Asian hybrid children. Apparently there’s a war going on, too.

Whether we poke fun at Twilight or remakes or torture porn or whatever, it’s all part of being a critic, professional or amateur. I do my best to approach things objectively, but if a little bias slips in, so be it. Someone quoted Kevin Smith as saying, “If it gets people to read, what’s the harm?” (or something like that). Well, if Twilight gets people to write, then what’s the harm there? I at least try to be funny when I write about it.

I really could care less about the damned thing, I just wanted to be funny.

Comments very welcome.

So recently the Vault of Horror received an award from Planet of Terror called the Honest Scrap Award. He doesn’t know what it means, and frankly neither do I, but b_sol was kind enough to bestow this award onto I Love Horror and nine other noteworthy horror blogs. Coinciding with this was the creation of the Necronomicon Award for Outstanding Blogs of Horror by the proprietor of Monster Land, which was bestowed upon me as well. The appropriately named Ms. Harker conferred upon me both awards (presumably – she lumped them together), bringing the total level of ego inflation to astronomical levels. Then it came full circle when Day of the Woman. With the exception of b_sol, they’re all from women. Proof all the ladies love me and want to stroke my beard.

These awards are largely ceremonial given their ex nihilo nature, yet they are more than simple ego boosters. They are a sign of the growth and overwhelming sense of community that pervades the blogging community, bringing together like-minded individuals who share a passion for all things horror. Constant interaction and the ability to bounce new ideas off of each other lead to new appreciation and understanding of the genre, as well as increased opportunities within the professional world. Without I Love Horror and the endless support of other horror bloggers, I never would have landed some of the writing gigs I have now, especially the one at Fangoria, and for that I am eternally grateful.

On that note, here’s my list of the ten blogs I feel deserve an award or two, complete with sarcastic commentary and hilariously insulting comments. I tease because I love. If I left anyone out it’s not because I don’t love you. I really do. It’s just that I can only include so many blogs and you’re all wonderful and I promise I’ll make it up to you. How ’bout dinner followed by a movie? Maybe followed by a little “just friends” spooning?

The Vault of Horror Brian Solomon is like a Cinderella story in the world of blogging, and if it weren’t for our collaborations and all the help and support he has given me over the past several months, I’d be doing everything in my power to steal that silver slipper. Try as you might, b_sol, I WILL VANQUISH YOU! After our Dawn of the Dead podcast, however.

Horror’s Not Dead Why no one has mentioned him yet is beyond me. I think I owe more to Peter Hall than I do any other blogger. Without him I wouldn’t have gotten into the LoTT D, and without him I never would have been able to set up my site without making a series of grievous errors. Beyond that he is a frequent collaborater, and has graciously and selflessly offered me a place to crash while I ham it up with fans and bigwigs at FantasticFest. Little does he realize that I plan on stealing all of his DVDs. He always has something to offer in the way of reviews, commentary, and sporadic shit you’d never think existed.

Evil on Two Legs Aside from his awesome banner, Corey of Eo2L runs a clean, comprehensive site that covers just about damned near everything. From DVD releases to going-ons in the horror blogging community, this LAMB award winner offers something new and exciting with each post. I don’t know him well enough to make a sarcastic jab at him, so I’ll just poke fun at him for having the same name as my sister.

Day of the Woman The sister blog of the Vault of Horror is one of the more well-known blogs for one reason: the easter egg link to her hidden porn site. Kidding. It’s because she’s damned awesome at what she does and does it with a passion that belies her 19-year old, baton-twirling persona. She throws convention into the wind and writes about the most random topics. Oddly enough why I’m so awesome has yet to be one of them.

And Now the Screaming Starts One of the earliest supporters of I Love Horror, CrWM is one of the best writers I have come across. Infusing every post with the most obscure and esoteric factoids and references, he waxes philosophic on every conceivable topic, composing eloquentdissertation-like articles that make me feel really, really stupid. He recently offered me the opportunity to contribute a guest post, and now I feel really shitty for taking so long to respond to his most recent e-mail. My bad, yo.

Castle Vardulon I first stumbled upon the Count’s blog during my research for the popular French flick À L’Intérieur. He HATED this movie. His review put my potty mouth to shame, as it contained more instances of the word “fuck” than I have ever seen in one piece of work. We began talking after I made a comment about how very wrong he is, and despite this I have enjoyed his blog ever since. Quality, in-depth analysis of films and television enhanced by him and The Dive Mistresses’ AVOD – the audio-only video podcast make his blog worthy of applause, and perhaps maybe a bouquet of roses, too.

The Dive Mistress The cleverly named Zombots is the vehicle for the Dive Mistress, Vardulon’ partner in crime and denizen of my former haunt for eight years. It’s a shame I learned this AFTER I moved two thousand miles away (by like two fucking weeks), ’cause she’s a top notch writer and I could have really used a single friend who actually enjoyed horror as much as I do.

Monster Land This blog is relatively new to me, and despite my disappointment upon learning it wasn’t for a kick ass new theme park, I have grown to love it. Why? Well, it’s really good. Isn’t that what these awards are about? She’s also an academic like me, and will hopefully not be forced to quit like I did after spending too much fucking money on a worthless Master’s degree. She also said I was “a repository of the very best in horror criticism.” Who am I to argue with the truth?

Planet of Terror Despite overlooking my genius and humility, the insanely clever Cortez the Killer and The Complaint Department serve up a unique combination of old school and new school reviews guaranteed to keep you entertained and laughing your happy little ass off. Plus, they’re tuned into the importance of the blogging community, and I can totally dig that.

Musings Across a Continuum The appropriately named Ms. Harker is a vampire-lovin’, wallaby-wranglin’ Aussie bringing us the latest in all-things vampire. Why she’s living in Australia is beyond me, but I’d love to hear her say vampire with what I hope is an uber-thick Aussie accent. Plus, she’s been a long-time supporter of I Love Horror and friended me on Facebook, making her my furthest friend in the world.

Kindertrauma Because FUCK TOP TENS. Kindertrauma fucking owns your face not for its unique content and establishment as one of the best horror blogs in existence, but because it rocks a pink background and does it with fucking PRIDE.

Now I suppose this is the point where I reveal ten things about myself, huh? This never ends well.

1. I have a Master’s degree from Florida State University in Classical Civilizations. I don’t recommend it.

2. I really do not like the original Dawn of the Dead. In fact, I think it’s pretty bad as far as horror goes.

3. My favorite horror movie is Session 9 and I’ve been doing everything in my power to get an interview with Brad Anderson. A million cool points if you can make this happen.

4. I’m a hypochondriac to the nth degree, and I’m convinced I’m going bald, the giant, thick mess of long hair on my head notwithstanding.

5. I lost my job in Florida because of Facebook. This was one of the best and worst things to happen to me.

6. I love Welsh Corgis and desire to own two. Oh, what fun we’ll, laughing and playing and galavanting around.

7. I have a twin brother. He’s incredibly smart and knows this. We’re not identical, and the only thing we have in common is our lack of compassion. He hates horror.

8. The view from my balcony in Denver is so incredibly beautiful that for a brief moment you’ll experience what it’s like to see God. The you’ll realize it’s just gas.

9. I started this blog with the intent of building a writing portfolio and somehow finding a way to get my work read. I now contribute articles to Fangoria.com, which is one step below my dream of writing for the magazine full time.

10. My am so afarid of heights I cling to the center pole in gondola rides at county fairs and theme parks like a little bitch.

In regards to I Love Horror, “This blog is at the forefront of the battle to end the pussification of vampires, with its biting commentary on Twilight and Stephanie Meyer.” Those kind, albeit slightly misguided words, are courtesy of the fine femme fatale fronting the fantastic blog Monster Land. I am incredibly flattered yet feel my distaste for Twilight and all things sparkly vampires has been misconstrued as the being one of my principle goals. It isn’t, though it certainly isn’t exempt from discussion when considered within the context of horror and its impact upon the industry.

It seems as of late that much criticism has been lobbied at those who have taken it upon themselves to spit hellfire in the face of Twilight and Stephanie Meyer. Apparently being a critic doesn’t give you the right to criticize things. Who knew? In the midst of my obsessive checking of my stats, I noticed a link to a screenwriting forum wherein I found the following remark regarding my recent post on Twilight and the Mormon Maniac:

I’m not a Twilight fan…
…so I found this extremely, pant-peeingly, funny!

I didn’t realize there were so many of us!!!!!

Warning. This blog is probably NC-17

Formatting retained for the fuck of it.

Three comments down there was a reply by a woman named Paula who felt that my vitriolic critique was attributed to….wait for it…

….

Jealousy.

Of course I’m jealous of the fact that she’s a millionaire, just as I’m jealous of anyone who has more than two months worth of rent in their saving account. MNy hatred for Twilight stems from the fact that it’s the lowest of the low when it comes to literature and film. Failing to realize that most of mankind, or in this case womankind, are brainless sacks of walking skin who will consume anything forced down their throats (see: anything by Dan Brown), she equates sales to talent, something a screenwriter (which I presume she is) should know is absolute bullshit.

She then goes on to reason away the shitty writing by placing it within the context of the teen genre, as if that is an excuse to write utter trash. Enjoying the story for “what it is” is difficult with prose like this:

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

And then for some reason she thinks I’m James Wan, the director of the first Saw film:

Maybe James Wanker…. oops I mean James Wan – is particularly slow on the uptake and needs his choice of literature to have more pictures and less words?? Perhaps I could suggest ‘Cat in the Hat’?

The hilarity concludes with the complete dismissal of all ComicCon attendees – the same ComicCon where Twilight was a feature attraction – as “not living in the real world.” I don’t really know why she included that.

The point of being a movie critic is to objectively judge that in which most of us will never have an active, participating role. I hate Twilight and Stephanie Meyer for not only infecting the horror industry with mind-numbing pablum that does nothing but take up space, but for the fact that it’s encouraging people to read absolute tripe. Paula’s insinuation that my distaste for Twilight stems from the fact that I can’t read makes her nothing more than a hypocrite.

Much to the surprise of no one, Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly has received a lot of negative feedback over his list compiling the top twenty horror films of the past two decades. Instead of simply falling back on the “agree to disagree” stance, he decided to not only openly insult his readers, but contradict the very list he set out to defend.

When I decided to put together my list of the Top 20 horror films of the past 20 years, I knew that just by being honest — sticking true to the movies I find most scary, spooky, disturbing, unsettling, scary-funny, or just plain horrifying — I would inevitably inspire catcalls of outrage, righteous denunciations, and cries for my critical head. It’s not only that lists like these are meant to be fought over and argued about (personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way). It’s also that this is…horror we’re talking about. Very visceral stuff. Opinions that people feel in their guts and their central nervous systems. If, like me, you happen to find The Blair Witch Project an original and terrifying experience, one that haunted your dreams for weeks, it’s doubtful that anyone who found it an overhyped dud (“Where’s the monster?”) full of nausea-incuding camerawork is ever going to be “convinced” that it should have frightened the bejesus out of them. Apart from comedy, nothing in movies is quite as subjective as what scares — or bores — us to death.

I agree with this completely. Fear is the most subjective of emotions, and as I detailed in my earlier post on his post, any Best of… list is inevitably going to draw the ire of someone. But there are certain things that need to be taken into consideration when you compile a list such as this, primarily the impact the film has had on the industry. You decided to eschew objective decision making in favor of biased bullshit.

That said, a number of you who posted comments about my list raised issues that I’d like to address. That includes some of the movies you felt I’d left out (we’ll get to that in a moment). First, though, I’d like to defend one aspect of the list that seemed to bother a great many people. Namely: Why did I choose a number of films, like The Sixth Sense or From Hell, that struck many of you as thrillers more than bona fide horror movies?

Because the two, in some ways, are interchangeable. One might be inclined to say that horror represents the object, while thrillers tend to represent the abject; with horror, however, the lines of genre are blurred so much, it all tends to get grouped under the umbrella of horror.

Well, first of all, I did it deliberately, not to be provocative or to “stretch” the definition of horror, but — quite the contrary — to return to an old-school, almost classical Hollywood notion of horror, one that includes films that inspire shock and awe from the inside, nibbling away at our anxieties. There was some debate, for instance, about whether The Sixth Sense is a “horror film” or a “supernatural thriller.” Well, by my lights, it’s about a dead guy who walks around and a kid who’s as creeped out by the otherworldly visions that confront him as the kid from The Shining was. Just because no one ends up swinging an ax doesn’t mean that you don’t get the heebie-jeebies.

Your use of the word “deliberately” does him zero favors, as it implies a haphazard attempt at injecting a controversial choice for the sake of being controversial. Beyond this, you also imply that visceral horror is the only way to frighten someone. Your understanding of fear is misguided. In horror movies, “axe murderers” and the like are exaggerated in terms of their actions and appearance, and as such dispel the notion that they can be frightening when on the big screen. If you wanted to make an “axe murderer” comparison, you should have gone with Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer.

Or take From Hell, the Hughes brothers’ splendid dark-side-of-the-soul mystery-thriller, with its flash-cut evocations of society’s first slasher, Jack the Ripper. (Yes, I know: You think that the Alan Moore graphic novel was better, more densely dazzling.) By what standard do one-dimensional bogeymen like Jason or Michael Myers, wielding their knives with videogame precision for the 10th or 20th time in a rigged contest of kill-the-next-idiot-who-gets-in-the-way-of-my weapon, somehow count as real live “horror movie” monsters, while the fascinatingly sick, Jekyll-and-Hyde human demon of From Hell doesn’t? Does the idea that the latter film actually has a good story somehow mean that it lacks the black-as-night resonance of a horror film? I tried to assemble this list so that horror meant more than mere sensation — so that it also meant things that could give your heart and your brain the shivers.

I’m one of the few who actually enjoyed From Hell, but your constant comparisons of standard slasher icons to genuine instigators of fear is getting tiresome and lowers your credibility. From Hell, while possessing an engaging story and some truly grisly scenes, was filmed in such a way that any ounce of tension or terror that might be gleaned from the film was lost.

Okay, but now we get to the good stuff — the movies you thought should have been on there. In almost every case, my honest response comes down to one word: Really? Let’s look at a few of those proposed alternate choices:

Wolf Creek
It’s cleverly staged, with a villain who’s like “Crocodile” Dundee with a loose screw. But really, it’s nothing more than another textbook Chainsaw ripoff.

I have no comments here, as I feel its exclusion was a good choice.

The films of Rob Zombie
No doubt about it, he’s a very bad boy, who revels in the shock theatrics of killers he treats like rock stars. But House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects are derivative, hit-or-miss in-your-face bloodbaths. I like their squeamish freak-out atmosphere. But Top 20? That’s too much love for a still-promising headbanger-turned-goremeister.

House of 1000 Corpses was nothing more than a “test the waters” film. An obvious homage to classic horror films, it was fucking practice. The Devil’s Rejects, however, was anything BUT derivative. Not top twenty material, but to laugh in the face of its intent and, dare I say, absolutely brilliant blending of 70’s bravado and visceral horror is a sin I cannot let slide.

High Tension
Illogical twists, and much brutal mayhem — but it’s French, so this tale of two young women stuck in a country house with a big, fat, grunting brute who’s got a thing for decapitation looks fancier than it is.

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you up there on your jingoistic pedestal. Some of the best horror films of the past decade have been French, and your exclusion of anything from that region makes me wonder just how many horror movies you actually watch.

The Hills Have Eyes
The 2006 version? Are you friggin’ kidding me? It’s a lavishly photographed gross-out message movie with very little of the skeezy, innovative rawness that gave the original its bad vibes.

14. Hostel 2. Credibility – gone.

Session 9
Brad Anderson’s mental-asylum thriller begins well, and it’s visually startling, but the story melts into half-hearted ghostly vagueness.

Despite my opinion that it’s one of the scariest, most effective horror films of the past decade, it’s too unknown, too critically derided to earn a spot on this list.

Finally, we come to the choice I made that seems to have irked the most people. To quote a message-board poster named Chris: “Anyone who says 28 Weeks Later is better than 28 Days Later should not be allowed to judge horror movies.”

Wow, Chris, that is harsh. You seem to speak for many, though, so let me just say that I dug 28 Days Later — I really did. Yet part of what accounts for its reputation, I think, was the sheer novelty of Danny Boyle reviving the zombie genre and adapting it to the immediacy of the digital-video age. (Okay, I know: they’re not “technically” zombies. But since they’re rabid and reptile-brained, and stalk around like the living dead, I’m going to call them zombies anyway.)

Again, you’re certainly not doing yourself any favors. Aside from completely misinterpreting the point of the infected in the films, you’re making terrible assumptions as to why a film is popular. Danny Boyle didn’t “revive” anything, and your gross disregard of the intent of the film shows just exactly how much you know not just about the film itself, but about horror in general.

And I really did think that the sequel went further into apocalyptic blood-orgy craziness. Feel free to disagree, of course. But for the debate about the relative quality of these two movies to have inspired this much hate…well, sorry, folks, but that’s a little scary.

One simply has to look at your comment about the relative success of 28 Days Later to prove how wrong you are. If you take into account the many factors that should go into making a list such as this then you clearly see why Days deserves a spot over Weeks. But, as you have proven throughout your inane ramblings and weak defense of your horrible decisions, objectivity – or common sense – isn’t your strong point.

In the end it all comes down to subjectivity, but to completely ignore intent and impact is to ignore what makes some horror movies so God damned special. As such, your list wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but the defense of your choices destroyed any credibility some of the more controversial choices might have had.

Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly has compiled a list of what he feels are the top twenty horror films of the past two decades. Naturally, it is the duty of every horror blogger to tear it apart. First, the list:

1. Audition
2. The Silence of the Lambs
3. The Blair Witch Project
4. Scream
5. 28 Weeks Later
6. What Lies Beneath
7. The Sixth Sense
8. Drag Me To Hell
9. Alien 3
10. Ringu
11. Planet Terror
12. From Hell
13. Misery
14. Hostel 2
15. Shaun of the Dead
16. The Descent
17. The Kingdom
18. Event Horizon
19. Darkman
20. Dead Alive

To properly critique a top ten list one must take into account the factors that went into the decision making process. On the one hand, to discount a film such as Hostel 2 would be to discount the controversy that surrounded it and the lasting impact it has had not only on the horror industry but the career of Eli Roth. On the other hand, however, it also assumes that the impact was great enough to allow the film precedence over several other movies that most certainly deserve a spot. If anything, its cousin Saw deserves a spot strictly for the sheer impact it has had.

Other films, though certainly great in their own right, have no business being on a horror top ten list. Event Horizon is definitive proof of the subjective nature of Best of… lists. While the film have enjoyed cult-like success among die-hard horror fans, it is critically reviled and was quickly forgotten. I still count it as one of my favorite horror films, and indeed one of the few horror films to genuinely frighten me, but would I include it on a list like this? Of course not.

Other films, such as The Silence of the Lambs and Darkman, are less horror than they are drama and action, and again, although great films, don’t belong on a horror list; the Lars von Trier-created Danish mini-series The Kingdom isn’t even a movie, and seems to be nothing more than a reason for Gleiberman to flex his Muscle of Pretention; What Lies Beneath is one film deserving of the title “thriller” instead of horror, yet it doesn’t belong on the list because it was total crap; and the relatively unpopular Alien 3 is more science fiction than it is horror.

Despite his grievous oversights and unsuitable inclusions, Gleiberman’s list includes several films that are certainly appropriate, such as The Blair Witch Project, Ringu, and Misery. I don’t need to explain why they’re appropriate, but even if I did, there would still be someone out there who feels I am wrong. Such is the problem associated with the inherent subjectivity of these lists. Bias is always a factor, and when given nothing that explains the motives behind his decisions, these lists will continue to draw the ire of horror fans everywhere.

But seriously, From Hell? Are you fucking kidding me?