Fuck Twilight and fuck Stephanie Meyer
This is the opening paragraph of the first book:
“My mother drove me to the airport with the window rolled down. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite shirt – sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry on item was a parka.”
Literary vomit. All of it. But one, tiny paragraph is clearly not representative of an entire book, so let’s fast-forward a few pages.
“Eventually we made it to Charlie’s. He still lived in the small, two-bedroom house that he’d bought with my mother in the early days of their marriage. Those were the only kind of days their marriage had – the early ones.”
What the fuck does that even mean? Had I been one of the few suckered by Stephanie Meyer’s Mormon spell, it would have been at this point that I set fire to the book and punched a baby in the face. Clearly I’m not taking into account the overall story or the characters or anything that goes into making a book a book, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m not a literary critic, and feel that every time I make an attempt to be one I end up sounding like, well, like Ms. Meyer. Like a moron. So I don’t. But the style of one’s prose can make or break a novel. The Road, Cormac McCarthy’s best-selling novel-cum-post-apocalyptic film starring Viggo Mortensen, possessed a phenomenal story, yet one I was unable to complete because of his minimalistic writing style. After flipping through a few more pages, these brief excerpts are indeed representative of the banality and amateurism that pervades the book.
Not content with ruining literature, Twilight is poised to poison film. While most dedicated horror fans realize that Twilight is clearly NOT a horror film, the obligation of horror news sites to report on everything even remotely related to the subject means we are consistently subjected to the latest news and reports of the newest installment of the cinematical equivalent of my diarrhea.This takes up space, and, while seemingly innocuous, does in fact make baby Jesus cry.
So what are we to do? Hunting Stephanie Meyer down and forcing her to watch Near Dark doesn’t seem feasible, and the systematic killing of everyone who has in any way supported the success of the novel and the film would just take too long.
Oh, I know. Funny pictures.
A suitable replacement would be Jack Crow from John Carpenter’s Vampires.
And my personal favorite…
It’s also the smell of teenage angst.
Fuck Twilight.
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I said it to you earlier, but I’ll say it again…MARRY ME. You completely nailed it on the head with this one and as the self professed Queen of Twatlight…I bow to you sir.
Hilarious, I can feel you choking on your rage! I do wonder about the horror sites coverage of the films and if they sleep ok at night… I had the debate with JH the other night of whether I would see New Moon or cover it, so far I am saying NO! As the more I think about it, if people like yourself and I support this drivel, we contribute to the dumbing down of the genre as a whole.
http://www.musingcontinuum.com
I never noticed before, but the opening lines of Twilight and Less Then Zero or curiously similar. The car trip, airport, discussion of clothing – only the protag of Twilight is leaving and Clay from Zero is coming home.
THANK YOU. That is all.
Those funny pics left me in stitches.
Seriously! You nailed it.
I knew I wouldn’t like ‘Tweenlight’, but I had no idea I would hate it so much! I broke down and rented that piece of shit and hated every single second (that I didn’t fast forward).
Funny pics!
First of all, if you hate the movie and the book so much, why did you even bother? Secondly, criticising STEPHENIE MEYER’s work isn’t going to do you or any of your fellow fans any good….if you can do it better, why don’t you write us your perfect little book and let’s see if you even reach the top 100’s list. everyone has there own taste in books and movies, stick to your taste and leave the rest alone. Thirdly, why don’t you do yourself a favour and put a stop to all this crap your writing and then see if you can get further in life, rather than being a low educated and raised little lonely person in this big world.
You criticise other people’s jobs, dreams and work they live to do, i’m gonna keep criticising you.
Oh and PS. send me your picture, i think i can do a better job writing on your face than the crap work you did on Rob and Kristen’s pictures.
Criticising Regards
1. That’s a horrible argument, as that is the very nature of criticism. That’s like saying, “If you hate this country, why don’t you leave.”
2. Again, nature of criticism, as well as the very nature of objectivity and the fact that this is my website and I can pretty much write whatever I want. If I wanted to say Stephanie Meyer only got popular because she sucked the Devil’s cock, then so be it.
3. Low-educated? I’m typically not one to brag about my education, but my Master’s degree begs to differ. Aside from own personal site (a fact you seem to have chosen to ignore), I contribute articles to a popular online horror magazine and do freelance writing for a number of websites. You’ve also clearly ignored the rest of my work, which ranges from unadulterated vitriol to insulting humor to wholly academic.
4. I criticize other people because I’m a critic, among other things. I welcome your criticism, but I assure you after the first few times it will just be ignored.
5. I didn’t make those pictures. They’ve been circulating the internet for awhile now. And I love how you’re on a first name basis with them. Are you guys BFF? Are YOU a sparkly vampire, too? OMG isn’t Edward Cullen just dreamy!?!?!
Look sugartits, if you come onto my blog and insult me, you’re guilty of the same transgressions. So why don’t you stow the ‘tude and fetch me a sammich, k?
With love,
ILH
I beg to differ with you, Sir. Vacuous tweens who know nothing of good horror fiction are not the only fans of Twilight. Hard up old bats in my age group (mid forties) are also rabid fans of Twilight. Agh! The shame!
Oh yeah, and those were not the worst paragraphs in Twilight. Check this one out:
He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
You can thank Kellen Rice of Blast Magazine for pointing this one out. And also for her informative article showing us all how to write a best-seller just like Twilight. It’s very scintillating!
http://psa.blastmagazine.com/2008/08/23/twilight-a-follow-up-and-a-promise/
i couldn’t agree more.. i hate twilight and i hate stephanie meyer…i have no idea why anyone fucking likes that shit.
THANKYOU
Dude, thats the most hilarious post I’ve read all day. As a critic myself, I know I will never be able to direct or act in a movie or hell even write a best selling novel But like any college educated adult, I do know what’s good shit and what’s utter crap.
Craplight is utter crap.
Brad, you nasty and I love it!
I think I just fell in love with you.
That’s normal.
I love when people criticize someone else’s intelligence/education while confusing “there” with “their” and “your” with “you’re.” Nice job, Schantell.
I find the ongoing debate about Twilight and Meyer’s vampires, whether we love them or hate them, whether they are properly understood as horror, to be interesting, but unfortunate in that it often de-evolves into contention. I am not a fan of Twilight, and these are surely not the expression of vampires I enjoy, but to each their own. Some horror fans did not enjoy the depiction of vampires and werewolves in the Underworld series of action-horror films, but I found them entertaining, even if they are not as monstrous as I might have liked. Monsters have always been expressed in a variety of ways through the history of cultures, and they take shape and have different emphases to meet the needs of those who create them. Twilight meets the needs of those who emphasize the romantic aspect of the vampire tradition, even while it may not appeal to many horror fans. Perhaps we can create a little more room for diversity in monstrous expressions, and be a little more charitable in our discussions about the forms they take.
Everything you said is true. Twilight does suck. The writing is sub par and the movie is absolutely horrendous, from a cinematic standpoint and as an adaptation of the book. (The old standard holds true that the book is better than the movie by far. Honestly they cut so much out that I think someone like you might have enjoyed. For instance the fact that Carlise, the leader of the Cullen clan is actually the son of a minister and continually debates with Edward throughout the novels vampires have souls, afterlives etc. And just wait until Breaking Dawn the movie, assuming they don’t ruin it, there is an awesome birth scene of a vamp hybrid baby involving Edward using his teeth to perform a cesarean and a syringe of venom to the heart a la Pulp Fiction. Twilight the movie is a very watered down version of Twilight the book.) That said I absolutely love it and I’m not a vacuous teen, nor are any of my friends who have found themselves equally enthralled with the saga. We are self sufficient college graduates (not studio art surprisingly! Women’s Studies, Masters in History, Architecture) who devoured all 2500 pages of the Twilight saga in less than a week and then saw the movie 3 times in theaters and countless times on dvd. Granted I spent the whole first theatrical viewing laughing my ass off and the first viewing on dvd playing a drinking game the required a shot every time someone was wearing plaid. But that’s not really here or there.
I think you would be surprised to find that most Twilight fans, at least the older ones, are surprisingly self aware and know how bad Twilight really is and how weird it is to be so into it. Sparkly vampires are a fucking hilarious notion and its even more hilarious when its in a badly directed underfunded teen movie by a fledgling studio. I know that. I laugh at it. I can not help but swoon at the sight of Robert Pattinson in all his British sparkly vampire glory. WHY?!
The only answer I can honestly come up with is “brain candy”. The day to day life of a lot of people right now is filled with a lot of depressing shit. Everyone I know is being laid off, I personally can barely pay my bills and student loans and the real estate market certainly proves that I am not alone. My new hope of a president isn’t totally living up to the hype, the worldwide economy is in the shitter and not looking up in the very near future, rigged elections, earthquakes, swine flu, and blah blah blah it goes on and on. I think a lot of people are just drawn to this story that is so easy to digest and get lost in. Escapism always flourishes in times of economic distress and Twilight just happened to be the thing the women of the world grasped onto at this time. Besides that Meyer’s mythology, while obviously straying from vampire cannon, is an interesting story even though I find her main characters incredibly annoying and lacking. Everyone enjoys a good romance, something that is hopeful, fun, and subtly sexual. I think it is similar to how I read Austen over and over in college between semesters when my brain needed a break… except I can exert even less brain power because Twilight is the equivalent of jello pudding for my brain. And who doesn’t like jello pudding sometimes?
The only thing that I dislike about Twilight is how I become branded as some immature halfwit that people scoff at when I admit that I am a fan. Is it so bad that I liked reading these books and look forward to the new movie coming out? My friends and I have a blast discussing the books, the movies and the cast. Why does it have to be something that I learn to hold my tongue about for fear of a reproachful look from a colleague? Why all the hate for something so innocent as a book and a really cheesy movie?
I don’t know what the hell comic con is and I don’t really care but yeh FUCK TWILIGHT!!!!
Ha. Lovely article.
Hmm. At least spell the authors name right. Its StephEnie Meyer.
I second basically everything kt says though
Plus I think your criticisms would be more valid if they were more focused on the genuine flaws of the book/movie, and not insulting the author and fans so much.
The vampires have no balls and there’s no downside to being a vampire. If this jacked up world were real, EVERYONE would want to be one. Why not? Live forever, do whatever whenever, kill whoever, fuck whoever. No downside, no strife, boring charactors, vapid dialogue, lame book.
FUCK TWILIGHT and I hope the author dies a bloody death a thousand times for inflicting her bloody tampon of a book on the world, we’re all a little less smart for it.
Haha I totally agree, and not only that, girls are only reading it because they live in this fantasy world that they try and make into reality. It sickens me to no end when I start hearing about Twilight from others, because it’s like “What exactly do you do with your life?” I love many things, like anime and such, but do I talk about it to my friends? Heck no! That’s just boring. If you have a fantasy, keep it to yourself, cause nobody wants to hear it. There is nothing more irritating to a male than when somebody talks about Twilight. They don’t want to hear it. Because guess what, it’s not real! It just shows how boring of a person you really are. I have already taken an oath to find a girlfriend who doesn’t like Twilight, because then that will show me that she is actually worth pursuing, a.k.a. not like every other girl out there.
fuck americans and all their bullshit. ALL HAIL CHINA THE NEW SUPER POWER OF THE WORLD. FUCK USA!!
or most of twilights fans ’Twilight’ is the first book they ever read. So how the hell can a twilight fan say “you just don’t understand good literature”
Cleolinda Jones mocks Twilight with more finesse.
My one and only disagreement with this is that I’m a college student majoring in studio arts and I haven’t been hit with a stupid stick anytime recently; so I’m still capable of realizing that even my seven year old nephew has a higher reading level than the shit that Stephanie Meyers has made million off of.
The vampire genre is DEAD. Stephanie Meyer is a mormon retard, blindly humping horse made long dead by Buffy and her mindless fans.
Got a problem with that? Good!